This is going to be a difficult post to write, but I want to write it for a variety of reasons. The biggest reason is I’ve always felt like I was much better at writing out my thoughts than speaking them. Even then, I’m probably not going to manage to say all of what I need or want to say, nor do it with a dry eye.
I leave tomorrow. I leave tomorrow and it fucking sucks.
A month (39 days more accurately) gives you plenty of time to be in someone’s presence and to feel like you’re an integral part of their life. That’s days of sleeping in the same bed, having meals together, going on trips together, and just seeing someone as they’re being their self.
I’ve spend a lot of time with both Molly and Daddy, and enjoyed their company a whole lot.
As time has wound down, my mind has thought about a lot of things. I’ve taken to calling it being fragile and uncertain, something you’ll understand I guess.
I’m still learning to how to ask for what I want. No, I’m still learning about what I want. I’ve spent the last 33 years either following what someone else says I should be doing or wondering if what I am doing has been influenced by someone else’s thoughts of what I should be doing. How can I ask for it if I don’t even know if it’s what I want? So I don’t tend to ask. I tend to defer to others and their needs because if they know, that works for me. Not healthy and a habit I need to break.
My body is hella uncooperative also. I’ve always struggled with sex and orgasms a bit. It’s flared up more and more, much to my frustration. I’ve been struggling with this feeling of being difficult and broken. I know it’s not true, Daddy reassures me and never makes me feel this way, but this is about a need to overcome my own mental barrier. That’ll take time even if I feel like I should be awesome at everything.
It’s not all sex clubs, spanking benches, and orgasms. Those things do happen, but there’s been times of sitting quietly together while they work, or watching a movie together, or laughing or pictures or awesome walks with Molly. There have been a lot of those moments that go beyond sex.
I’m not a particularly social person, something people may have noticed at Eroticon. I’ve been called antisocial on more than one occasion. I’ve always felt like that was a bad mark in my tally box because I don’t go out of my way to talk to people. I enjoy being with both of them because there is no pressure to talk, but we can have good conversation with ease.
I struggle, too, with kicking thoughts that eventually he’ll get tired of me. I get tired of me so why shouldn’t anyone else? Perhaps this is the source of my feelings in Welcome, that dread that at some point someone will get tired of me so I have to make sure I don’t overstay my welcome.
I had my first big cry Friday at tea. The moment had been coming for a few days and it just spilled over. I don’t know what precipitated it, but just realizing so little time was left had me a sniffly mess.
Michael and Molly are good people, but I think everyone knows that truth.
He’s really a great man. I know he doesn’t always feel like he is, but he really is. He’s smart, I mean really really smart. He’s also kind. He makes coffee for everyone in the morning, he cooks meals, he bakes delicious things, and he does it because he wants to. He’s handsome and he’s wonderful. He’s a servant and it makes him an amazing Dom. He’s not perfect, but no one is. If I had my dithers, I’d never leave him because he takes care of people. He takes care of me.
Molly too is amazing. She’s fierce, she’s driven, and she takes no shit. She’s also beautiful. If things need done, Molly makes it happen. I routinely think I should be more like her, asking for what I want. Being fearless.
I’ll aim for a post about the dynamic when I have my head on a little straighter.
Since I’ve already been crying, I don’t imagine tomorrow is going to be great for keeping my face dry. Good thing I don’t wear makeup because runny mascara only seems to look sexy on certain people.
I’ll be back, but that knowledge doesn’t seem to make leaving any easier.
Cara, I am so sad for you reading this. I can’t stand goodbyes and always cry. I love the relationship the three of you have, it is so loving.
I do find it fascinating too because my life is so different. I hope the three of you stay happy together for a long time.
Stay strong babe, you can do this! Kat xx
Big virtual hugs. Sounds like it’s been a great time of personal growth.
It was wonderful to meet you in real life (I don’t *think* I fangirled, so we both escaped that embarrassment!) and to see your dynamic with Molly and Michael. All three of you are wonderful people, and long may it continue xxx
It is hard watching you go through this bit. It brings back so many feelings for me of all the times I left him and how fucking it hard it was. I wish I could make it better or protect you from it somehow but I can’t and I hate that feeling.
Ps… I love that picture of the 3 of us.
Awww I really feel for you and can imagine how hard this must be. When you feel like you belong it is always hard as it leaves a gap. But also feeling like you belong is the important thing as that means that it is right and that it matters. I don’t have any experience of a poly relationship but if I ever had one I would want it to be like that. To be about the important things – the laughter, the connection, the friendship, the family. You three are the cutest and that picture is adorable. Hugs ❤️ Oh btw I thought you were sociable. You engaged us in conversation and were just gorgeous. You made me feel at ease and like I was meant to be there so thank you
I have thought about you (and all of you) a lot over the past few days. I cannot imagine how hard it must but I remember how hard it was for me so many years ago and my heart aches for you all. Watching the self-discovery (imposed or not, lol) and the way you’ve learned and grown and (I hope this isn’t condescending) blossomed has been beautiful to witness, even from this distance and it seems like it’s only the beginning of amazing things – for you individually and for you together. But yes, if we could shield you from the painful part, many of us would. In the little bit of real life I was able to spend with you, I saw immediately that you’re stronger than you realize and that even with the distance of an ocean, he and they are there for you as you have to leave and readjust and continue to move forward. (And so are many of us, in a different way). (((HUGS)))
It sounds like it’s such a hard thing to do, but you are part of a wonderful relationship and that won’t change, even though you have to go away for a while. I’m sure they will be missing you too.
Lots of hugs coming your way… and safe travel. Hugs to Michael and Molly too.
I am so sorry you have to go through all this hurt and I hope you can be back at your Daddy and Molly’s side soon.
It was wonderful meeting you at Eroticon and not once did I think you’re anti-social.