“Open the blank blog page.”
I feel like the first step is always something simple, but fucking hell it seems so hard. I’ve literally been putting off doing this one thing all day.
I’ve been working with my therapist about why I’m having trouble with my writing
again. To be fair, I cycle through having such trouble. It crops up for a host of reasons and is mainly tied to my mental health. After I posted yesterday, some people found last years’ “I did it. I made it through January jumpstart.” In it, I was celebrating another lull caused by some super stressful things going on in my life. Funnily enough, my mental health has been much better lately. Even with last year being a shit popsicle, working with a therapist has helped me conquer manage quite a few issues.
And yet I still can’t write. (Okay, yes, I did right a bit)
Was last year my worst writing year? I can’t be bothered to look at posts to verify, but I’m sure it was when it all shakes out. I avoided writing.
I’m honest about my very contentious relationship with writing, my deep struggles with perfectionism and how it affects my art, and my confidence in myself. At times, I’m able to look and objectively see where I’m a good writer that puts out quality content. Years of constant writing counts for something. Other times, I can’t take a compliment or see any quality. Diary of an anxious, perfectionistic, writer?
This is a why game for me. I had a dream about an awesome gangbang, why didn’t I write about it? I had an idea while I was driving, one that lingered in my mind for days. Why didn’t I write it down? Why am I so determined to block my own creativity, ignore my desire to write, and stifle what I see as a critical part of me? Fuck if I know.
Getting to the root of why is going to take time.
I’ve abandoned projects and been defeated by my brain in the past. Honestly, I don’t want to lose this. This is me and I love it. It’s joyous, happy, naughty, and a big part of who I am. I am here for me.
Maybe that means allowing that creative spark even 5 mins of writing time, or jotting down a story idea to come back to in the future. I know the right answers, I just have to do it.
I just need to open the blank blog page.
*sorry, no sexy picture. Getting this written was about all I could manage. Maybe tomorrow*
Re: “Honestly, I don’t want to lose this.”
Does it have to do with what ‘this’ is? With what all has happened here, in this space? Or as a result of this space?
Would it be different/easier/better if you had a space of your own that was -in and of itself – a new, blank page? Does the fact that people know you, have met you, have interacted with the real person behind the pseudonym… Does that deter you?
I know for me, when people “out in the ether” become people who have sat in my living room (or slept in my bed)… It changes how I feel about what I write in my space. I start to hold back. To self-censor. So I wonder if maybe that is having an impact on you, given everything that’s happened/changed in the last 12-18 months?
Maybe, maybe not.
Just putting it out there.
I don’t have a firm idea of what my problem is. I did used to have a “secret blog space” but I found I liked sharing even if I tortured myself a bit. In this case, I believe I’ve internalized something that’s blocking me.
I’m hoping I figure it out. Maybe by the end of this.
I’ll trade what you just said for a sexy photo. (this is a one time offer, btw) Step One is what you said, now open the page. I haven’t been able, putting off, okay avoiding writing for a year now. I don’t know why. I did find something I started on an old ipad this morning, maybe I’ll finish it. But as for you, Cara, last year was a shitshow, especially with the work you do, I don’t know if I could have done it, but I did read a lot of creative stories that you posted. Looking forward to reading some more too.
Good luck finishing that piece. I think we’re all struggling to get the groove back
A start has already been made. Keep moving forward.