This is going to be a jumbly mess, but I’m going to try to express my thoughts.
I struggle sometimes with love.
That’s not accurate. It’s more I struggle with my understanding of people’s desire to be around me. I don’t always get why people miss me or are excited when I come back to visit.
It was brought to my attention that I don’t know how to let people love me. I guess deeper than that is that I don’t always feel I deserve or should be the recipient of love.
I’d mentioned my belief that I don’t anticipate people wanting me to over drag my welcome when I visit. When I was planning to visit, my stay being over a month, my mother said no person would want me staying with them for a month.
I’ve always been unsure about things like this. Don’t overstay your welcome. Ever. Barging in and being tedious makes it tough for people to want you around. More than that, we all know people who come when they aren’t welcomed or overstaying.
I mentioned it to Daddy and Molly both. I asked them both multiple times if it was okay, and was reassured. I’ve asked while I’ve been here if it was okay. I guess one part of me feels maybe they’ll get tired of me.
Last night, my disbelief must have shown again. Daddy – as a total aside, I had a conversation with him about what I call him in posts. I don’t think I explained it well, but it’s something I hope to think about and articulate in time – told me I was welcome here and loved without boundaries/conditions. He told me he loved me, wanted me around, and I shouldn’t ever feel I’m imposing.
Something about this made me cry.
I don’t know why it’s so tough for me to believe I’m welcomed by people, but I’m learning. I’m relaxing. Everything takes time and love breeds more love, right?