Is this an inadvertent entry into Mrs Fever’s September Song Project? It fits so I writes.
The song lyric comes from DMX’s song called Party Up. I happened to hear it this morning while I was putting in miles on the treadmill. The lyric itself follows these particular verses.
And I don’t know who the fuck you think you talkin to
But I’m not him, aight Slim? So watch what you do
Or you gon’ find yourself, buried next to someone else
And we all thought you loved yourself.
The lyric often pops up when I’m agreeing to go to work when I didn’t want to. Don’t I love myself? Why am I committing to something I don’t want to do, something I’ll regret moments after I agree to it?
But this lyric has come to mind lately for a different reason. I’ve had this thought circling in my head for days now.
Like the preceding verses denote, it’s more doing things, or in my case thinking things, that can signal that you don’t love yourself.
It’s been a while since I’ve had even the slightest urge to taken part in Sinful Sunday, and even longer since I’ve had the urge to take sexy photo of myself. My weight hasn’t fluctuated wildly, but the way my body looks has changed. I’ve been battling getting my eating habits straight. Every time I look in the mirror, it’s hard to not criticize my looks. I’m fighting with some pretty ugly perfectionist tendencies that make me unsatisfied and impatient with everything I do.
I don’t love myself right now.
Okay… okay not that I don’t love myself so much as I don’t feel good about myself. Self talk is important and I’ve had some pretty shitty self talk. So this post is more about me needing to answer that verse with a yes instead of a no.
Loving myself is being kind when my body doesn’t look how it think it should.
Loving myself is having patience when I don’t do well in something I’m learning.
Loving myself is remembering that how I feel when I look in the mirror isn’t reality.
Replacing negative with positive.
I’m to the end of this post and I’m not sure I said all I wanted to say. This struggle runs deeper than my 400 words can capture, but I do want to stand in the truth of wanting to say yes to loving myself more. It is about healthy self talk and I need to embrace it (and myself).