This topic is one for discussion so feel free to offer your two cents. All part of understanding things
I got into a little bit of an argument, if you will, with a so called Dom who likes to spank on Fet. Argument may be too strong a word, but the end result is him wanting to spank me for disagreeing, a fact I rolled my eyes at. Not likely, dude.
Anyway, he insinuated that not having entered subspace somehow makes my experience less. He also implied that I needed to experience more emotions and subspace allowed me to feel more. According to him, I’d need less of a beating if I entered subspace.
I was up in arms for a couple of reasons aside from the fact that he’s an asshole
- I don’t think he understands how subspace works.
Having never experienced it, but having a medical background, I tried to reason out how it works. From my understanding and a little research, it’s a physiological reaction to pain. Flight or flight or sympathetic nervous system response. Danger is present and you must respond so you release chemicals to aid in that response. Adrenaline, ephedrine, corticosteroids, etc. It primes the body, sharpens the areas the need it (heart, lungs, brain, nervous system), and decreases the ones that don’t (skin, gut, ancillary organs). It helps especially if you’re injured because the chemical release protects you from the pain until you’re out of danger. Spanking stimulates that response perfectly hence the floaty high after. But my understanding of subspace is you’d need a severe enough beating to push the brain into the true disconnect that subspace brings. It’s glorified shock! It’s what you see in trauma patients following a serious ordeal. Incoherence, not all there, try disconnect from what’s going on.
So to say I’d be more in touch with my emotions in this states seems like missing the mark. Besides, I like being spanked to quiet all the emotional shit I feel. Kthxbye
- Not that I’m opposed to experiencing that, but I’m vulnerable enough during a spanking.
Trusting someone enough to spank my ass is one thing. Trusting them to care for me at my most vulnerable is an entirely different beast. Aftercare is required here, but more than that is an attentive Dom/spanker who knows when to stop. The body is at its most defenseless in subspace and a person can sustain some serious physical damage because they no longer feel much. An inattentive Dom could inflict major injury if they aren’t tuned in with the person they are playing with. I haven’t played with anyone I trust enough to take me that far. Hell, this current play situation is the longest BDSM scening I’ve done and we still stop well before I’m to that point.
- Way to be a douchebag and minimize the pleasure of my experience by calling it less
That got me. You don’t know me or my physical response to a spanking. No, I’ve never “entered subspace”, but so what? What I need and get from a spanking is personal. So eff you for using some state of mind to try and lessen this for me. You’re an ass.
I’m not saying I’m opposed to experiencing it. I’ve been so floaty after the cane and a good cry that curiosity exists. What is it like really?
Could entering subspace give me a different perspective on spanking and what it means for me? I’m sure it could, but not going there does not detract. That’s like him saying I need an orgasm in order to enjoy being spanked more (he did say that). Sometimes I really do just like the act of being spanked. No frills, no sex, just spank.
So, discussion: describe (if you can) how you’ve felt in subspace. Inquiring minds want to know.
After the cane a few weeks ago.
wow – brilliant!
I’ve entered subspace from things other than impact play— like a blow job for example. It is a place of bliss for me. Dreamlike… I am aware but my physical feeling is diminished. Limbs become heavy to immobile.
I can’t come back from that and jump right up into normal activity. Aftercare for me is absolutely critical.
I’d also add that my likelihood of subdrop is higher afterward…
I’ve heard that it was possible on more of a psychological level to enter subspace with certain activities. I find that so interesting! Thank you for sharing.
I think it is irresponsible for this guy to assume that everyone reacts the same or even achieves subspace the same. If that is the shit he is feeding to someone who never has and they don’t when he administers what he assumes would take them there, they will be emotionally deflated and start questioning themselves. Absolutely, NOT COOL on his part.
Every one and I mean every one is different when it comes to this. I’ve never experienced subspace from a spanking and by golly I love them. I love the emotional release I get from them. I love how they clear my mind and reset me. I’ve been a blubbering, crying mess after them sometimes but never have I got to subspace.
Subspace for me has only happened a couple times and it only happened in situations when I was being completely dominated and had trusted my husband with my emotional and physical well being. I know some women who can get there just my having a scene setup and hearing their partners voice direct them and then there are women like me who are to fucking stubborn to trust and let go no matter how badly they want to.
As far as how I felt while in subspace, out of body experience, floating, disconnected from the noisy part of my mind but more in tune with my core. Like someone flipped the switch on the part of my brain that interrupts my ability to be me. It was euphoric and dream like. My body cooperated with head and I was free. Free to feel, absorb and release. It was almost like being given a glimpse of the secrets as to how the universe works. Serenity… Peace… Understanding…
I found is comment extremely off-putting. He doesn’t know me and our brief conversation does not give him liberty to dissect me either.
I’ve always seen it as a trust thing. If I were to experience it, it would take really trusting my partner. I’d like to know what it’s like, but I’m not rushing to let my guard down with just anyone. I’ve made that mistake too many times.
Thank you for sharing!!
This is beautiful ‘Tis! Thank you for sharing 🙂
Thank you Dawn. xo
I suspect subspace is one of those things, just like squirting, where some do and some don’t. Doesn’t make you any less of something to experience or not experience it. There are just plenty of obnoxious ass wipes in the world 😉 File him in the B.I.N. folder. 🙂
Good point. I also think it doesn’t happen every time even for those who do know what it feels like.
I’m trying to be civil in the name of open discourse. He already knows we’ll never play.
Ok, on your behalf, I’d like to punch that “dom” in the face. I don’t enter subspace EVERY time SSir and I play hard, but I do experience it often enough that I know it when I feel it.
First of all, for me, there are levels of subspace. Sometimes it’s a warm, floaty feeling where I don’t really care about a thing. Sometimes it’s both mental (floaty feeling) and physical (as in my body no longer responds to my commands). Sometimes I’m completely incoherent from it all (all I manage is a silly grin in response to questions). Sometimes I actually beg for more (because I know I can handle more pain at that moment). Once or twice have I experienced ALL of those elements after one session of play.
My point is that it’s like everything else, it varies from time to time and (of course) person to person. It’s almost never the same twice. So for that person to minimize your experience for lack of subspace is BS.
My own theory about subspace is that my ability to slip into is determined by how close I am with the person I’m playing. I trust SSir completely and so can shut my mind down and let myself experience and enjoy the moment – and ultimately enter some level of subspace. Could I do that with another person? I don’t know, but I doubt it.
I’m seeing that everyone has a different experience every time. I like who I feel after a spanking. All loose and melted. That’s enough.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I didn’t realize it could be quite so different.
Believe me, I didn’t realize it either at first.
Loose and melted is a damn good feeling. Subspace is rare, that feeling isn’t (in my experience) and loose and melted can keep you relaxed a long time. 🙂
Truthfully, I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced it. One thing is for sure, I never was spanked hard enough that *that* could have triggered it. And that’s fine by me.
However, I have felt some pretty weird things after some intense fun (I’m talking a few hours of play and a number of orgasms that was counted in dozens (several) rather than units). Like I wasn’t quite myself any more. But I know I went into some kind of subdrop. And I always need a lot of reconnecting with my body after lots of sex and if I am not hugged back together, I am overwhelmed by sad feelings.
This said, this guy is an ass. How could he claim to know what your experience is like without having ever met you? He’s not a Dom, he’s a controlling ass. The problem he is dangerous and may hurt others. 🙁
I don’t think I’ve allowed myself to be taken to that place where it could happen. Either a serious spanking or lots of orgasms. Subdrop is something I’m curious about. I’ve felt that way (sad feelings, needing to be comforted) after regular sex, but no floaty feelings or high.
Maybe your feelings ARE what some are describing as subspace! Very interesting post. I’ve always thought that I had never experienced subspace before. However, I have had different feelings that seem to correlate to what some are saying. Before I read the comments, I thought also he same thing you described, in more medical and psychological terms. But I have had times where I kind of felt in a zone, and have been able to feel less pain. Also, I have had times when I’ve been reduced to crying and sobbing and also felt less pain. Release for me comes from a crying jag like that. I don’t feel like I’ve ever felt floaty though as some describe. But now this post has me thinking, what exactly IS subspace? TY for posting.
Thank you for sharing!
I think it is different for everyone every time. I think expecting it to be a certain way can ruin how you receive the experience. It’s cool to talk to others and gain some insight into how we define and experience individually
I agree so very much!
maybe you have to trust him to take you there. Who you trust is crucial, but giving up control may help take you there.
Trust is probably a large part of it. I trust someone to hurt me, but not to hold me.
or to take you beyond your control.
Dude is a dick. And the kind of UBER DOM that populates the internets.
Sub space doesn’t just come from impact play for me. Sometimes it is much more psychological. I identify it as being both warm and floaty and as being on submissive autopilot–not like a robot, mind… but psychologically speaking it makes me nothing more than his submissive at the moment that I enter it.
It could be something as simple as his calling me “girl” or it could be some discourse in a fantasy we are playing out… sometimes even the act of putting on my collar puts me *there.* And there is a sort of body buzz, or sometimes like an out of body experience, my vision tunnels, I am acting instinctively without thinking or questioning or even with concern for my own self. It’s pretty intense and that level of psychological otherness, or even, maybe, disassociation? Has only ever happened with him. I am all me… but all me becomes all his.
I’m not explaining it well, but I don’t necessarily know how to explain it.
Great topic of conversation, love.
I’m seeing that the psychological entrance in to subspace is definitely linked to the Dom or being dominated by a particular person. An interesting idea. Rooted firmly in trust. I’m almost envious of it, but maybe it’s something best learned when I’m in a long term committed relationship.
Thanks for sharing.
Cara, what struck me here is that guy is someone I would NEVER trust to take me into any level of subspace. Here’s the thing, there’s a point when safe words go out the window because you’re too far gone to know right from wrong, good from bad, and consent from non consent. This is why…
#1 – No Dom should be so anxious to bring a sub into subspace unless and until he really knows her nuances and can tell by body movements, facial expressions, noises, etc that the sub is OK or in distress. I’ve had a few times where I was so far gone that words meant nothing and there was no way I could have ever used a safeword or a safe gesture for him to stop. He had to know when enough was enough and stopped on his own in order to keep me safe because I was completely helpless in every way. He would never take advantage of my helplessness, but I’m sure there are far too many who would if given the chance.
#2 – No one should throw themselves into anyone’s hands unless you know you can trust that person implicitly. Coach must stay Red Cross first aid, CPR, and AED certified and has had to use his training with clients several times over the years. He knew one of his clients was having a stroke because of the crooked smile he gave. He had to think quickly, but someone else who didn’t know better may have just let the guy continue working out. This isn’t a game and people really have gotten hurt. You just don’t read about all the hurt on Fet. Coach also has several personal training certifications so he knows when muscles are overloaded and tendons and ligaments are strained. If a sub has any kind of masochistic leanings it is my personal belief that the sadist she gives herself over to MUST understand human anatomy and physiology. I believe every Dom needs study and take classes. Coach has actually went slowly with me over the years so he could learn me. He trains me hard in the gym because for him it’s a great way to understand how I build and recover.
#3 – Injury prevention and the protection of the sub is paramount. Coach will not play hard with me if I am sick in anyway, if my thyroid med has just been changed (takes 4-6 weeks for a body to adjust to new med levels), or even if I haven’t gotten enough sleep. All of those things can affect your system and you may react differently hormonally. If I am under too much stress I will usually get a maintenance/therapy spanking, which helps calm me and gets me floaty and peaceful, but is very different than the rough kind of play needed to send me into the incoherent-feel no pain-out of body experience kind of subspace.
Yes, there are different levels of subspace, but it’s a reaction to how much you have built up and released endorphin loads. Your floaty feeling should not be discounted as subspace.
Sorry to write so much, but this really struck a chord in me. I think I’ll write a post about it.
Well said!! You did a much better job of explaining the importance of a good Dom in this case. A post from you on this would be awesome. You’ve done such a good job of explaining things. My posts are more my thoughts and personal exploration.
I hate when Fetlife Doms think they can tell you about your own experience. I’ve had that happen too. What a douche. They don’t know you and they’re just getting off on being “an expert.” Ugh. run away…
Yea, he already knows he’ll never get the chance with me. His heavy handed, arrogant behavior just ensures that.
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Just a note to let you know your post got me thinky/ranty/write-y enough to put together more words than were appropriate for a comment.
So I wrote a post instead. 😉
I’ll give it a read shortly.