It’s late and I spent the entire day watching anime instead of writing. And that’s okay. I did want to write something though.
What I’ve thought about more lately is how I feel better. I feel like there should be question marks after that because things are shit so I feel weird saying I feel better. I do though, feel a lot better. Less panicky, less fearful, and more mad/frustrated/angry. In order to get to this place, I had to change some habits.
I stopped drinking full cafe coffee. I don’t have much self control when it comes to stopping at one cup, and when you’re already anxious, adding more coffee makes it ten times worse. I also decreased my Twitter consumption quite a bit. I love Twitter, but honestly it can stoke those anxious feelings to such a high that I feel fear, sick, and anxiety combined. The last thing I did was start doing more body weight exercises. Indoor activities that have helped me feel more in control and combat how mush I’m eating.
My panic attacks stopped. That feeling like I was going to die, that dense of impending doom, stopped. It’s been a week without an attack. I’ve felt like I can think a little clearer and view things without this fear overwhelming me. I’ve also started writing again and feel this almost jolt of creativity.
I’m supposed to go back to work soon, which has brought up those other feelings of anger and frustration. This situation isn’t going to resolve as soon as everyone is hoping. Well, everyone who is a politician at least. My line of work puts me at heightened risk, and if people don’t continue taking this seriously enough, I could very much be exposed and die. So I’m mad because people continue to be reckless and cavalier.
My therapist says anger is great as long as it serves a purpose and we can do something with it. It’s a lovely protective mechanism because I feel alive. I’d rather be angry instead of sad or anxious. I can move forward if I’m angry, where as sadness and anxiety keep me trapped.
I’m left wondering how next week, next month, a few months from now look. How we’ll all look on the other side of this. I hope having learned something and survived.