You know

The thing I’ve always liked about my blog is that it is my space to talk. Not just sex, fantasies, and erotic stories either. More like my life at whatever point I find myself. That’s the reason why I started blogging 10 years ago, making sense of life.

Sitting in my car tonight just prior to meeting my friends from college, I was pulling out my night time pills to take. Honestly the closer I creep to 30, the older I feel. I have a pill for my allergies and my stomach, my birth control, Tylenol for my back occasionally, and now something for my head. Not head as in headache, but head as in the crazy maelstrom that is my mind.

I struggle with depression and have for a few years yet. It’s gone from a, “I think I’m depressed?”, to “I may need help”

Usually it’s tied to the weather with winter bringing about the blues, but over the last year or two I’ve noticed I slip into this deep blackness that also occurs sooner in the season.

There will be bouts where I’m so anxious about something I’m irrational. My thoughts will scramble and I’m plagued with fear, uncertainty, and an inability to think clearly. Or something will happen and my mood will drop to the point I’m crying for no good reason. When I was worried about the possibility of being pregnant, I had a thought or two in that low moment that were pretty damn scary…

I’ve been promising myself for a while that I’d seek therapy, but with the short term move to the west coast I haven’t started anything. So, that leaves me still battling depression that’s far deeper than I realize.

Long story short, I visited my doctor and she prescribed me a pill with the promise that I can just take it for the winter months when I’m really bad (so now until the end of February or first of March). I took it and am on day two of the medication.

There’s this part of me that hates that I need something. I hate that I’ve let myself get so low that I had to consider medication in the first place. Even if it’s not forever, the fact that I need it at all makes me feel weak. Like get your shit together, what do you have to be depressed about??

I’m a perfectionist in a lot of ways. I expect my life, my work, everything dealing with me to be perfect. If I don’t live up to my own expectations, I get despondent and become dissatisfied with myself. I get restless and leave a job for another, leave a state for another, travel to a new country because I have to do better than I am before. And let’s not discuss how I compare myself! I’m screwing myself up.

My life isn’t bad though. I have a good job, friends and family that care for me, and a freedom I love. Again, what is there to be depressed about? It’s all roses and golden sunshine. Except it isn’t…

Medication, when used correctly, has a way of helping. I’m not going to berate myself for choosing to take it for however long I need it. If it keeps me sane, any port in the storm, and all that jazz.

Anyway I say all this for myself. It’s not all hot sex around here (considering I haven’t had sex or a decent spanking in over a month, I’d say not). I do struggle even though I like to pretend I’m made of steel and never breakdown.

Here’s to those who need a little help getting back up. 😚

Comments

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  1. pivoine68

    You sweet girl! I understand everything in this post and I’d like to give you a huge hug and tell you that you are so talented, beautiful, sexy…even though it might make no difference to you. I always figure anyone complimenting me is somehow blind and cannot see the real me. (which is fucked up, I realize that.) You are probably of the same species.

    As for medicating, would you think a diabetic was a pussy because he needed an insulin shot? Never. I’ve been on medication since I was in my early twenties and I thank God that those pills exist because there is no bravery in living through hellish bouts of depression. No one will ever give us a medal for it. They probably won’t even realize the depth of our suffering and who wants to suffer? Even medicated winter/Christmas always knocks me down on my ass on the cold pavement but I hold on and try to remind myself that Spring is just around the corner…

    This will be the ultimate pot calling the kettle black (do we say that?) but love yourself. You are loved by many.

    Bises,
    Dawn

    PS: Did you see how I said “pussy?” LOL

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      Cara Thereon

      I’m adjusting to the thought go taking them even for a shirt period of time. My best friend said something similar about being in pain and taking meds when she needed it. It all just sends different in my head.

      We tend to have similar thoughts, Dawn. That’s one of the things I like about you. Congrats on getting the pussy out. 😉

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  2. rushmorejudd

    You have a special place in my life. Vicariously I watch you grow, learn and expand. I know you have no idea of the impact that you have on me but there is a sweet loving special place that I keep for you.

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  3. Nick

    Good for you that you realised that you needed help with your winter blues. Doubly good that you bravely announced it here and encourage other people in the same situation to stop being in denial and go to see a doctor and maybe a councillor.
    And some of us love that word that Dawn got out. So triple good:-)

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  4. creativityorcrazy

    Always enjoy your blog and one of the things I especially enjoy is your honesty. I’ve got plenty to be depressed about, but I still feel like that statement you made…that if I somehow got my stuff all together things would be all right. I know that’s probably so not true, but still feels that way. Glad you’re trying meds and I so don’t see anything wrong with it. I’ve thought about it, on and off, but so far just still talking to a good therapist. Some days things are ok and other days…the word you used…”blackness”…is probably a pretty good description. Hope things brighten up for you… 🙂

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  5. 'Tis

    My hubby suffers from depression and I can tell you it can be a wicked bitch if not kept on a short leash. To do so he medicates and goes to counseling. I commend you for realizing something was off. That is a huge first step. Also, counseling works wonders. Just have to find someone you click with, so if you try and don’t get warm fuzzies from it don’t give up. I wish you all the best. xoxo

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      Cara Thereon

      I’ll keep that in mind when I do manage seek counseling. I think I just need someone to talk to in general so I can get rid of this anxiety that stifles me. I hate how bad it gets.

      1. 'Tis

        He is the same way and being able to talk to someone as well as write out all the stuff that swirls around in his head has helped tremendously. Best luck to you. xo

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