I had hoped to write or continue writing a story today. This is my post month long writing slump combined with a heavy work week, so I’ll get back to it when my days off hit. I wanted to keep my momentum going though, so I thought I’d dip back into Food for Thought this week. On the topic of pride.
Pride has a couple of definitions I noticed, per dictionary.com
1. a high or inordinate opinion of one’s own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc. 3. A becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one’s position or character; self-respect; self-esteem.
Pride can also have an LGBTQ+ meaning in an acceptance of your sexuality when the norm doesn’t celebrate or honor that aspect of your life, existence.
Touching on the second part first, on pride or acceptance of your sexuality, I will say it’s taken me a long time to get where I am when it comes to how I identify. When I was younger, I was extremely attracted to women almost as much as I was to men. It caused me a lot of conflict because I was also deeply involved in Christianity. My first semi consensual sexual contact was with another girl my age. I battled for years against that attraction because it was deemed wrong. While some of that guilt and confusion has diminished over the years, it honestly hasn’t been until recently that I’ve decided to pursue that attraction more. I’m still overcoming some of the fear and nerves even saying I really like women, but it’s a truth for me and I need to start saying it. I suppose that makes me bisexual, but I’ve never been great at labels. Something to explore and understand better the same way I explore and understand my love of kink better.
To address the first definition of pride, I’ll go with the questions posed in the original post.
What achievements are you most proud of in your life? This question is really hard for me and I’ve been thinking about why. I’ve graduated from a couple of tough programs, have a couple of degrees, taught for a while, and traveled to a lot of places, but I struggle to point to anything that I can say I’m proud of. I realize I do not give myself any credit for any of my accomplishments. It’s why I struggle with receiving compliments for my work. It isn’t noteworthy so why praise it? But this isn’t fair to me and downplays the things I have done. I have achieved great things and I rob myself of celebrating and being celebrated when I ignore those accomplishments.
Is it important to you that other people be proud of you? Yes. For all the moments I ignore my achievements or the praise I get, I want someone to be proud of me. One of my love languages is words of affirmation and nothing destroys me faster than knowing I let someone I love down. I am highly susceptible to a well timed ‘good girl’ if I’ve done well. I like knowing I’ve made someone happy and proud.
When was the last time you did something you were proud of? Er… I don’t know honestly. See question 1 for my issues with this. Everything is a struggle because I second guess myself a lot. I wish I could say it was when I published something recently but I don’t always see my writing as others do. I need to find a way to change my thoughts on this. Change how I see myself.
Pride comes before the fall, they say. I wish I could say overconfidence was an issue I had. If anything, I don’t give myself any credit for the things I do. I need more good girls and well dones to come from myself because I am accomplished. I have done great things I just need to start acknowledging that.
2020 is the year to be better to myself. I’m worth it and it helps me to shine with others.