Oh! I wanted to do F4T prompt on intimacy and my current thoughts dovetailed a bit. Here we go!
So I’m making the deep dive back into… not dating. More finding someone to spank me (more regularly than I get with the other gent I meet with) and have some interaction that makes me feel good.
I’ve been chatting to a few guys and trying to decide who, if anyone, to try to meet up with to see if there’s any chemistry. It’s tedious even in this because I don’t want to get naked in front of just anyone so I have to actually vet people. Plus if they actually meet me and aren’t interested after investing so much time? So much work and a lot of ugh.
Anyway, someone asked me what I wasn’t getting and my immediate answer was touch. I miss being held and stroked and touched. I also miss touching someone else who’s obviously physically attracted to me and that I’m connected with.
The very definition of intimacy is closeness, right?
a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group. – dictionary.com
Here we go with love languages, but there’s merit to it. I like physical affection. I like closeness. I crave all of that. To just be with someone without words and have them stroke my skin. To be in their space and enjoy them and be enjoyed by them without any other expectations. I’m starved for that more than anything else. I get a taste of it when I do get together with my current spanking friend. But then he leaves and it’s tripped on all my other dormant wants and I just someone to rub my butt and call me pretty. Haha. But seriously…
I have a lot of complicated emotions around sex so it isn’t a real source of intimacy for me. I find more closeness and the meeting of my need for physical touch in being spanked. That is more intimate to me. Being stripped and over someone’s lap, being vulnerable and controlled, and almost being cared for even as they hurt me. I get my tank filled up so nicely that way.
Sadly, touch has been used against me. Too much unwanted physical touch in the past combined with actively being ignored has made me uncertain about my need to be touched. I war with closeness because it could be harmful or it could be taken away.
But I’m human and humans need that level of closeness. I need it.
I want it so badly. I want someone on top of me, pressing me down into the bed, our bodies connected at every point. I want to feel the way their skin rubs along mine. I want to feel their breath on my neck. I want to bury my hands in their hair and pull. I want to run my fingers, my nails, down their back. I want to feel them shudder against me and hug me close. No sex needs to happen, but I want all that closeness of skin in skin.
That says intimate to me.