I was given a bit of a mission last night by TheDaddy™️. Kitten had a task!
He sent me a DM and told me I was to come before bed (yay), the added bit was I needed to send him a little clip of me rubbing my cunt. I’m sure he has plans for the short little video.
Anyway, my porn watching habits reflect the things that I want pretty closely. Last night, and lately frankly, I’ve been thinking a lot about force and fear.
Being forced and being scared. Talk about things in kink and sex that bring up a lot of feelings, both good and bad. The line between what can be construed as abuse and what’s consenting play looks different to those outside of the play.
Force and fear are often things that hover in my mind though. It always starts with I want…
I want to be tied up and fucked. Not asked, but used.
I want to be accosted in an alley, pressed against the wall, and forced (to suck cock, bent over, etc).
I want to be woken up by my partner in the middle of the night. He fucks me with no care for my pleasure, fills me full of come, and then goes back to sleep.
No regard for my pleasure, to be used, to be tied down so I can’t move, fucked, to be hurt.
These are hard things to write. This isn’t love making. There are themes of non consent that are scary to me, but parts of me want it badly. I can’t quite even bring myself to call them what they are because some people will take that as consent for things.
But what about the fear?
I have complex emotions tied up in sex. I have complex emotions tied up in race too. Fear plays a part in that and how I eroticize the things that scare me. I’ve talked about it some in the past on this post, Eroticizing Fear, I linked to today on Twitter
I’ve been molested, assaulted, and nearly raped on more than one occasion. Those brushes with pain haven’t all been changed to something sexual. I’ve also had racist epitaphs lobbed at me. I don’t see eroticizing those things that scare me as bad. Not every fantasy that lives in my head becomes reality, but a way to work through the things in my head.
But I do dabble in race play. And like it.
I do very much like being tied down and used without regard to my pleasure. It’s sexy and when I’m playing by myself, it gets me off. It gets me wet and makes me come so hard.
Arms bound behind my back, legs tied, and his cock pistioning into me. I can cry, cry out, weep, but I can’t move. When he comes, he calls me those names I hate (names of hate), and leaves me shivering on the couch. And when he’s ready, he’ll do it again. And again, and again, until I’m covered in come.
Fuck me. It’s wrong, but it makes me quiver.
Like everything, this isn’t something everyone likes, but we all have our thing that’s taboo to us. It’s wrong, but it gets us off. This is mine.
If you’d like to read the story that inspired the original post, it can be found here. Obvious warnings about non consent and racial overtones so click with caution.
I’m still working through my interactions with fear and force, and really I hope to play with both a little more. Bring on the rope!