It’s hard to just talk on here.
I do occasionally because I know it offers you an opportunity to connect with me, but I never feel I have anything worth saying. Because my life is so damn boring…
Case in point, I haven’t had a date since November. There are a host of reasons for that. It’s not that I don’t think I’m attractive (sometimes I think it is, but I’m aware enough of myself to know that’s not necessarily true), it’s that I’ve developed almost an aversion to dating.
So I went on a date yesterday, ending my dry spell. Up until he called me (5 minutes before we planned to meet) I’d considered bailing. I realized today that I’m over meeting up with guys, trying to see if we connect, and hoping against hope that THIS one is who can tolerate me enough to spend time together on a regular basis.
That shit gets old.
I’m at the age where I’m stable enough to get married, but I find I no longer want to go there. The thought freaks me out anymore in all honesty. I don’t feel I’m equipped to wade the waters of dating even for the reward of sex or for the possibility of meeting someone who could get past my reticence when it comes to relationships. There doesn’t seem to be a guy in my vicinity capable of it frankly.
Is there merit to remaining single? Definitely less complicated. I’ll figure the sex thing out in time.
Another funny thing is I still battle shame in my life. A coworker asked what I was reading and when I off handedly said smut she said she was disappointed in me. Shame immediately slammed me and it upset me that I was bothered by what said to me.
I have too many emotions simmering inside of me. Like a bomb about to explode all over anyone. Really, I’d rather spare a significant other that so I don’t have to explain where it comes from.
I’m doing my potential significant other a favor. I’m thoughtful like that.
They always say you find what you need when you stop looking for it, I think the main thing is to get out and enjoy yourself, go places try new things and chances are while you are busy being busy you will meet someone who ticks your boxes when you least expect it
Yea, I think I’m done looking. I’m actually done being interested in it falling into my lap too.
Life is what you make of it! The more you put into it the more you will get back! As for the woman who said she was disappointed in you for reading smut…. Turn it around, and tell her next time …..that you feel sorry for her that she has never experienced the smoldering embers of hot erotic sex, turn and walk away! She doesn’t know what she is missing, and we do! ;D never feel guilty for what you love!
Haha. She’s older. That’s my guess as to her response. I actually wasn’t sure if she was kidding, but wasn’t interested in asking.
As you’ve read of me on my blog, I’m pretty vehemently opposed to marriage. If you’re stable enough to marry, then you’re still stable enough to do all the things that many married with kids couples are not. Move across country. Travel randomly. Dance with handsome strangers. Go where you don’t know the language and experience the culture first hand. Sky dive.
Well. I wouldn’t sky dive (personally) but you get the picture. Life is just waiting for you to live it. The search for a mate should be secondary to everything else that you accomplish. A SO might fall into your lap while you’re least expecting it. Or he might not.
Past all of our own needs and drives for mates, I think society puts a lot of pressure on us to marry and marry young and have the nuclear family model. Being single can be frustrating but it can be very nice too.
The best thing about being single is that you can put your own needs first and you’re not tied down to another person who also has dreams and aspirations. It also means that if you want to sample different flavors, no one is there to make you feel guilty. And I think you really get to know yourself better. It helps you become more confident. Do you know how many people are too afraid to eat lunch or go to a movie alone in public? I used to be like that. Then I thought: fuck it. I like my self-reflection time. And I like trying new things and I don’t care if strangers think I’m weird because I’m eating the lunch special alone.
As for doing someone a favor by remaining single–I’ve been there. I’ve felt that. I feel that sometimes. But you’ve got to remember that you don’t owe shit to anyone. Don’t search for someone to “put up” with you. Wait for someone who will adore you.
I’ve never been one to look to marriage as a way to be completed or whole. It’s so much easier being single especially since I travel. I enjoy not worrying about catering to or caring for someone else.
It’s just frustrating though. I’ve actually enjoyed being single and not dating (minus the not having sex part, but even that hasn’t bother me as much as I thought it would). It was this foray back into it that has me up in arms.
I can’t get beyond feeling like I’m too much to handle for any man. I’m too much for myself half the time.
Also, I’m feeling combative. So fuck your coworker for looking down her nose at you. There’s nothing shameful about a healthy sexually appetite and a desire to indulge in it. Sex is natural. Sex is good. Sex is liberating. If she had more she probably wouldn’t be such a twat.
Okay. I’m done spewing expletives all over your post. <3
Her comment really got to me. It brought me up short because she doesn’t know me that well so her disappointment in me was odd. Still got to me.
I reacted to your approach to dating – “trying to see if we connect, and hoping against hope that THIS one is who can tolerate me enough to spend time together on a regular basis.”
Would it change your mind set if you went out to see if the guy is someone YOU wanted to spend time with? You know, dating FOR you, not to meet another’s requirements? It’s just a thought. Jayne
I find dating tedious. It requires a lot of work and is taxing. I see dating and friendship building in the exact same way. I don’t have many close friendships because I don’t want to be vulnerable with a lot of people and that defines friendship to me. Relaxing and enjoying a strangers company has always been difficult for me. The people I have connected with haven’t stuck around so my desire to continue seeking someone who’s company I may enjoy loses its appeal.
It’s difficult to explain how I feel about it. It’s not all about find someone to “tolerate me”, that bit was just my raw feelings at the moment.
I understand what you mean. You are valuable and making friends is not easy. It’s a slow opening up but when you find someone of a similar heart and mindset, it’s worth it. It has to be hard doing what you do though – moving around and all. xo, J
Moving around does make it hard. Maybe that’s part of why I don’t want to bother.
Assuming there’s a person out there for everyone (and I do assume that because I’m a hopeless romantic at heart), that man will be willing to put in the hard work to prove himself worthy of you – and when you come across that person, you won’t find it tedious or boring (although there will probably be plenty of nerves and fear). I say stop looking and just do you for a while (including a giggle worthy “do” you, too – sorry, couldn’t help myself). You can’t force relationships to happen, and you shouldn’t have to. Just enjoy your life and the right person who fits (and for whom you’re willing to adjust your life for) will show up when you’re least expecting it. (Oh, and side note – you’ll probably fight it tooth and nail when he does – I know that from experience.)
I’ve never really been looking. I’ve never really made much of an effort at dating and my efforts lately have proved more draining than anything. I considered a break and that’s why I haven’t been dating lately. I think I’ve just decided to extended indefinitely now.
I feel like I’m in the same boat. So tired of dating.
It gets old. I seem to get more frustrated by it as time goes on. No sense putting myself through it.