Work was a little on the brutal side today. 12 hours of straight madness and I’m just happy I didn’t cry.
Of all the times to be reflective, I picked the middle of shift to think about myself. Where I’ve been, where I am, where I’m going. My mind kept springing back to how badly I need encouragement to continue on.
I worry my coworkers and patients think I’m incompetent, that my friends and family feel like I’m not there for them, and that in general I’m not on the right track. I need someone to look me in the eye Good Will Hunting style and tell me it’s not my fault.
Really, what I need is to hear is that I’m not a total screw up and that the things I’ve done have worth. 2 degrees, 3 big jobs, and some awesome life changes have to mean something. So why do they count for nothing in my mind?
Maybe I need more hugs and cuddles. Someone to kiss me senseless. or just a word or two from someone to remind me I’m doing something great and to just keep doing that.
What I do know is my uncertainty and fear have been the source of a large amount of my discontent. Why I’ve hated 2 out of 3 of my jobs. I need to hear I’m doing an okay job or I want to bolt. Not all the time, but once in a while would do me.
In the interim, I’m going to have to start counting my blessing as LaNeshe mentioned recently. It’ll buoy me. More spankings would help too! 😉
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Comments
*hugs* Cara. *big hugs* The thing is, this is life. Who the fuck ever knows if they are doing it right? But I can tell you what I do know… You are doing something right. I know that because I’ve known you for almost 2 years. I know that you have made hard decisions. I have watched you grow and change (and change is hard). I have seen you be a friend. I have known you as a friend. If you could see you like I see you, you would know you don’t need the encouragement. That being said, I understand the need for validation. Believe me. *hugs and kisses* my friend. Mwah!
Author
It’s just hard to see those things, the changes and good stuff. All I see is what I’m not doing with my life compared to my friends. I just need a little encouragement sometimes. Something that says you’re doing good. It keeps me going a bit. <3
You’re doing good, babe. I promise.
Author
Xoxo. You’re a gem. Truly. I hope I meet you someday so I can hug ya.
Backatcha. xoxo
I don’t see your life in detail or in colour, I only know you through your words. The words I see tell me you have broken free from a rather suffocating environment and are stretching your wings, socially and sexually. This is hard to do at any age, but I suspect you are more mature than the 18 YO going off to college. At 18 the confidence of youth (when you are still young enough to think you know everything) protects you from doubt. One of the things maturity brings is insight into how things may play out, how things may go wrong and a tendency to look critically at things that did not go well. I suspect this, plus the new-found freedom and responsibility, is leaving you struggling with self doubt and self criticism. In a settled life, your bubble of long term familiar friends helps ward these feeling off, lets you recuperate from setbacks in a safe environment. You don’t have these comforts and reassurances; it is no wonder that you feel uncertain about what you are doing.
From what I read you seem to be doing a great and adventurous job. New interactions, new stimulations. I know they have not worked out as you wished, but you have kept your head, kept yourself safe and not lost too much of your enthusiasm..
Girl, you are doing a damn good job! Don’t stop now, just keep turning those stones over and checking out those frogs:-)
((hugs))
Author
Some of it is doubt, but I know me and me does need encouragement. At least a little. It doesn’t need to be extensive just a pat on the back will do me many times. I tend to give what I want to get and find myself complimenting or encouraging others in my daily life. Validation is too strong a word though there are times I want validated.
Hugs from me too! I can totally relate to this post. I get the sinking feeling nearly every day that no matter what I do, it will not be enough. Usually once I have accomplished something, even something I’ve yearned for…once I’m there, it loses all meaning to me. You have done way more with your life at 30 than I have at 45 but it’s not really about that I guess. I don’t know for sure that more spankings would help either. (I’m not trying to be a downer.) I think that we both have stuff that we need to take care of and that we both try so FUCKING hard to feel good…which doesn’t seem all that unreasonable, but I’m starting to realize that for me, nothing coming in from the outside has really helped yet. Nothing I can find outside of me.
I just want you to feel proud and beautiful and talented. You are.
Bises,
Dawn
Author
Maybe I’m just craving encouragement from the wrong people? I don’t know what it is, but I need to know I’m doing good in someone’s eyes. I thrive on praise whether I want to or not. Just like I’m really emotional even though I hate that about myself.
Well you are great to me!
Author
🙂
Hope you’ve had a better day today. Keep hanging in there and counting your blessings is always a good thing to do. 🙂
Author
It was much better! 🙂
You need someone to remind you of all you do/have done. For some reason as humans we can COMPLETELY forget our accomplishments and the good things in our life when things are down.
Author
Yea. Apparently I’m terrible at remembering on my own.
Dear twin, I know exactly what you mean and hopefully you can someday find worth in yourself and the things you do without immediately doubting it as I do with myself. From here, I see you as brilliant, sexy, and a person I could very much enjoy. On all levels. Keep at it. And I will to.
Author
Hopefully we’ll figure it out someday soon. <3
I hope so too. xo
I think for most people we are are own worst critic (I know I am)…I hope you get the encouragement and support you need from those close to you; you deserve it!
xxPenny
The givers never feel like they give enough. I know this.
You do more than the average person. You should be proud. You look good on paper and on the outside :]
:hugs:
Author
I think I need to write things down so I remember there are valuable things I’ve accomplished. It’s hard to see these things.
((HUGS)) It’s not enough, I know, but it’s what I’ve got…I do think you need hugs and cuddles and kisses…we all need to be reminded that we’re loved and lovable…until you can have it in real life, we’ll give you as much as we can (the comments before mine are prime example)…
I think we all have days, weeks and such that feel like that – most of us can achieve the world and still feel like we’ve failed at something we can’t even see or are failing at things that only we see as such.
I don’t know your life personally, nor worked with you, but I don’t get the impression that you are a bad or un-conscientious kind of person. Often I find that people who agonise over such aspects of their life usually shouldn’t as that kind of self-flagellation alone shows how much you care, or they are a tad careless in something but you know it and are that much more likely to correct a thing or do more. Either way, I think you’ll be alright.
Feel better. Cheers.