I don’t want to pretend I’m doing well.
How do I say the next thing on my mind here…
I haven’t talked about my fight to maintain my spiritual balance in a long time. Being connected spiritually has always been important to me, but I feel like it’s fallen to the wayside as I’ve pursued other things in life the last few years.
If you knew me in real life, if you knew who I was, the way my life is right now would surprise you.
People will constantly say we’re evolving as we move along. We grow and change and that’s not a bad thing, but I struggle (always have) to reconcile the changes to who I thought I was supposed to be at this point in my life.
I want to explain it differently and be so honest right now, but its hard. I titled the last post what I did because I want judged harshly for the things I do. I want to be told I’m wrong for getting carried away after years of being a good girl. Maybe hearing someone’s disappointed in me is what I want. I’ve been pretending piety for years and I’ve lost that.
I can’t pretend that I don’t have bite marks in my nipple or traces of semen on my stomach from where he finished. I can’t pretend like I didn’t willingly go home with him last night after only having met him the night before. I can’t pretend that I don’t know it was practically a one night stand. That my guilt was initially absent, but in light of how little I know about him has returned full force. Though I’m not sure it’s guilt so much as regret. Oh, he used a condom, but I’m thinking about the consequences (mentally, emotionally, spiritually) that go beyond the obvious. And the pessimist in me fears I’m not even safe from the obvious dangers right now.
I can’t pretend that I don’t want someone to look me in the eye and ask me what the hell I’m doing.
What the hell am I doing anyway?
There’s so much more I want to say. I write because it helps me process even if the person reading thinks I’m totally crazy. I was tempted to post this privately because people who know me in real life read this, but I need to be honest in the open right now. I messaged a close spiritual friend of mine who’s known me forever and at the risk of her disappointment unloaded. How do you tell someone you’re falling apart a little via a message? At least I don’t have to look in her eyes and see the disappointment.
The image I present here is only a piece of me. This tiny revelation of the real me is necessary to the maintenance of self.
Gotta go to work. If you are a person who prays, say one for me as I sort myself out over the next few days.
Comments are open for now though I’m tempted to change that. I’m not sure what I need exactly, but maybe I’ll know when I see it.