I’ll Say

I don’t want to pretend I’m doing well.

How do I say the next thing on my mind here…

I haven’t talked about my fight to maintain my spiritual balance in a long time. Being connected spiritually has always been important to me, but I feel like it’s fallen to the wayside as I’ve pursued other things in life the last few years.

If you knew me in real life, if you knew who I was, the way my life is right now would surprise you.

People will constantly say we’re evolving as we move along. We grow and change and that’s not a bad thing, but I struggle (always have) to reconcile the changes to who I thought I was supposed to be at this point in my life.

I want to explain it differently and be so honest right now, but its hard. I titled the last post what I did because I want judged harshly for the things I do. I want to be told I’m wrong for getting carried away after years of being a good girl. Maybe hearing someone’s disappointed in me is what I want. I’ve been pretending piety for years and I’ve lost that.

I can’t pretend that I don’t have bite marks in my nipple or traces of semen on my stomach from where he finished. I can’t pretend like I didn’t willingly go home with him last night after only having met him the night before. I can’t pretend that I don’t know it was practically a one night stand. That my guilt was initially absent, but in light of how little I know about him has returned full force. Though I’m not sure it’s guilt so much as regret. Oh, he used a condom, but I’m thinking about the consequences (mentally, emotionally, spiritually) that go beyond the obvious. And the pessimist in me fears I’m not even safe from the obvious dangers right now.

I can’t pretend that I don’t want someone to look me in the eye and ask me what the hell I’m doing.

What the hell am I doing anyway?

There’s so much more I want to say. I write because it helps me process even if the person reading thinks I’m totally crazy. I was tempted to post this privately because people who know me in real life read this, but I need to be honest in the open right now. I messaged a close spiritual friend of mine who’s known me forever and at the risk of her disappointment unloaded. How do you tell someone you’re falling apart a little via a message? At least I don’t have to look in her eyes and see the disappointment.

The image I present here is only a piece of me. This tiny revelation of the real me is necessary to the maintenance of self.

Gotta go to work. If you are a person who prays, say one for me as I sort myself out over the next few days.

Comments are open for now though I’m tempted to change that. I’m not sure what I need exactly, but maybe I’ll know when I see it.


  1. Kayla Lords

    I’m not the most religious person or the most spiritual…so maybe I can’t give you what you want…but what it sounds like you want is someone to reprimand you for not following the edicts of a religion…and I’m not going to do that…what I will do is to urge you to remember that those edicts, those rules, those “ways of life” that you feel guilty for not following are constructs of man – literally “men” who spent centuries telling women to sit down, shut up, and not show their own sexuality…

    Did you practically have a one night stand for reasons other than that it felt good? Probably so…should you spend time soul-searching why? Maybe…

    The reason I’m not a religious or spiritual person is because I refuse to believe that the amount of guilt we’re supposed to feel is the desire of a higher being who is supposed to be omniscient, omnipresent, and every other omni that I can’t think of right now…He/She creates the world, creates the universe, and then spends time worrying about the sexual habits of one person? I find that hard to believe…what I think a deity would care about is whether you tried to do good…tried not to hurt other people…tried to treat people with care and respect…if you’re doing those things, by and large, I have a feeling you’re good with whatever God you follow…and have very little reason to feel guilt…

    Like I said, I may not be the one to provide you the answer you’re looking for…but for whatever it’s worth, that’s my two cents…

  2. cAt

    I have no wise words to offer you as I am going through my own upheaval right now, but what I can say, is that you being honest with yourself is the key thing, your self-examination and inward reflection can only stand you in good stead. Life is full of lessons and the only way to learn is to “do”. Trust me, I know, you don’t live or learn anything watching from the sidelines or being “a good girl”. xo

  3. Spider42

    A very honest post and you touch on something I think more people suffer from than would ever care to admit.

    I’m not a particularly spiritual or religious person, never really have been, but I’m a fond believer that pretty much anything that can exist might just do so – hence making me not exactly an aetheist either.

    In regard to what you ask however, my view is as follows:
    1) If God exists and has a plan, all this is part of it. If not, then it’s your life to life and as time and tide don’t wait, you should continue or be left behind.
    2) Morality to me is like pretty much everything else in this world – something that’s there but what we do with it is our business. I don’t kill people or such because I think it’s wrong and no one has that right in the normal course of things. I do it because I believe it is the right thing to not harm others, to treat others as you would like them to treat you. I like to believe that in the right circumstance, people are basically alright and though not perfect, are capable of living perfectly decent lives.
    3) Regardless of all else, God (or what have you) gave us this world and everything in it and the power to choose our fates – hence the heaven/hell option instead of unaffectable definite fate – so if you have been given everything you need, all that’s left is for you to choose what to do with it. You don’t have to be a pious, uptight god-monger. God is everything, that’s the most basic lesson we learn, so God knows you for what you are and if you don’t do the church-y/temple-y stuff, only the clergy and the gossip-mongering “they” care. If you know/evolve and find what your moral lines are and then stick to them, to hell with everyone else.
    Because if there’s one thing history has shown, morality, ethics and all that stuff tends to have a lot of wiggle room and evolution of it’s own depending on who’s writing the rule-book. But no matter what anyone says, you have it in your power to believe what you choose.
    So choose.
    Don’t know if that helps but I hope it does in some degree.

  4. Caitlyn McConnell

    CC, what the HELL are you doing?! And I don’t mean about the sex, I mean about the brass knuckles you’re hitting yourself with. Regrets are a strange thing, and I actually just wrote a post about not believing in them, although I didn’t publish it. The things we do, both good and bad, right and wrong, shape us into who we are.

    You know, I’ve been worried about you the last week or so…. You’re learning, my dear. And sometimes we fuck up and sometimes we think we fuck up and it turns out to be just what we needed. *hugs*

    3xpect an email from me later.iThere’s so much I want to say, but I’m literally driving to work right now, and its hard to verbalize my thoughts swhile driving with my knee.

    1. jayne

      Hey Lady! – haven’t you seen those hideous commercials – with the horrible accidents? You would hate to be one of those stats. Stop texting and driving but I agree with everything you told CC. XOXO, J

  5. G

    Everyone above said it so well, but I have this to add:
    I think when we feel most down are the times that we feel that we are being inauthentic. You want someone to scream “what the hell are you doing” because you are screaming it inside. So, thinking over the changes you’ve made, the image you saw of yourself now vs how you really are, ask yourself this: do you believe you are doing it for the right reasons? You will know by how it makes you feel when you do it. Shouldn’t you be allowed good feelings? And if you feel badly doing it, so that somehow it feels forced or not entirely your choice, you deserve to stop doing it, right?

  6. jayne

    Dear Lord, Show your patience with this tender soul who is growing and changeing into the woman you have made her. Let her see the beauty in the grinding , ripping, unfolding nature of being human and recognizing what is valuable within herself. Let her see that amidst the self judgement through these very difficult and necessary times og growth, she may get dirty, bruised, and very bloody but there is no birth wothout blood or pain. Dear God, holiest of Holy, please let her see that your very love and patience is where you hold her, not in judgement because growth requires bravery, ravery requires risk and risk is scary but takes courage and perseverance. Please bring peace to her heart to know that at the end of this time of growth, she will be as she always was, a loved child of yours. Amen.

  7. Mig

    I’m an atheist and won’t get involved with the spiritual aspects of your post, but you’re a lovely, talented, creative lady who deserves all the love and support that her environment can give her. Hope you’re okay x

  8. Dawn Rinken

    Cara — are you doing what you’re doing because you’re on autopilot? Do you NOT want to be doing these things? I think you’re at a very raw and excellent place for discovery right now, and these things you’re pondering, the questions you’re asking yourself, are an excellent, open way to get to the honesty of Who you really are.

    I’m reading a book (that a fellow blogger recommended to me) called “Broken Open” by Elizabeth Lesser. She explains, through anecdotes about her life and others’, what this process is all about (she calls it the Phoenix process), and how we need to go through things like what you (and I) are going through. And how to successfully come out on the other side. Just a thought, if you’re interested to read it. Hugs, honey. 🙂

  9. LaNeshe (Nesheaholic.com)

    You need to take stock of what you really want. Is your guilt real, or is it weighed by what society or a former you thinks is not proper? Be safe. On the physical side, and on the emotionally and spiritually side. If you’re in a place where you have a bunch of questions about what you really want, maybe take a break to try to understand yourself better. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

  10. kurganlives

    Suppose you met a guy at a bar and spent the night playing darts? I doubt that you’d question your spiritual state.

    Why does having sex affect you spiritually? Is there really any connection between the two? Seems like you’re more being driven by some unnecessary guilt. Repeat after me, “people are allowed to have sex when they want and with who they want”

  11. hispetitelle

    I have come to see in my spiritual walk these last 27 years that there is false piety and true faith. Look at the biblical Patriarchs and you will see so many human frailties and faults that it makes you wonder why God would ever allow any blessings. God knows who we are! David purposely had Uriah killed so he could get down with Bathsheba. The sons of Jacob murdered everyone in Shechem AFTER Jacob made a covenant with them AND those same people entered into convenant with God. Let’s not forget the700 wives and 300 concubines of Solomon. King Solomon was a horny son of a bitch!

    I say all this because God always looks upon the intent of your heart. Don’t think he doesn’t understand lonliness and longing or pain and fear. Song of Solomon shows He knows passion and ecstacy. Those same biblical Patriarchs had one thing in common…they poured their hearts out to God, accepted any consequences that went along with their actions, and then tried to do better. That’s all any of us can do.

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