Where am I?

It’s been… a while.

I’ve been struggling of late. The first time in a long time where I haven’t had much of an urge to write that wasn’t brought on by some form of depression. The spark… is just absent. It makes me nervous, but not as nervous as usual, which is hard to process.

The realization hit me recently that I feel disconnected. From myself, from my creativity, from this community. The last year and a half has been brutal mentally and I feel like I haven’t ever recovered. How do you write when you don’t feel like sharing, or worse, the thing that drove you on is missing?

I love to write. My mind is usually teeming with half formed stories demanding to get out. I’ve been blank the last month. So fucking blank. No urge and no thoughts and no stories. Just blank. It’s scary though because if I’m not filling this space with stories, if I’m not writing, who am I anymore? I write to process my feelings after all.

As for community, I’ve considered moving away from Twitter. That disconnect pervades everything and there it feels like there’s no one to hold to anymore. I’ve seen this place change a lot over the last few years, but it’s never felt like this to me. It feels lonely, business-like at times. Not warm like it had been and I don’t know how to dive back in. We could blame my mental health of late as I’m trying to work through other things. My missing desire to write also doesn’t help. I’m not connecting through my stories so of course it doesn’t feel like I’m here.

I had to make myself write all this down. I’d considered trying to link to a meme to reconnect, but I can’t even manage that right now. But here’s my feeble effort because this song feels fitting.

There’s a time that I remember, when I did not know no pain
When I believed in forever, and everything would stay the same
Now my heart feel like December when somebody say your name
‘Cause I can’t reach out to call you, but I know I will one day, yeah

Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody hurts someday, ayy ayy
But everything gon’ be alright
Go and raise a glass and say, ayy

Here’s to the ones that we got
Cheers to the wish you were here, but you’re not
‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we’ve been through
Toast to the ones here today
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you

Memories – Maroon 5

Comments

  1. John Brownstone

    Know that you have been missed. I understand what you are feeling to some extent especially where Twitter is concerned.
    Sending hugs

  2. LittleSwitchBitch

    *sending you all the love* I have been snooping and checking in on your twitter to see if you have been there. I can guarantee I am not alone in that, so please don’t think you haven’t been missed, you have.

    I get it though. I understand the feelings you have and they will past. You’ll feel like you again and when you do, we will all be here waiting. Anxious to read your words and get the horn over your images.

    Much love Cara..

    Xx

  3. Julie

    So glad you checked in as I have also been thinking about you and wondering how you are. Yes, twitter is strange, but there are still moments of kindness and joy. I hope you can find your way through to being able to write again because I really miss reading your beautiful words. xx

  4. asrai

    I feel this so much. Especially Twitter, feels like the community that was there is gone or at least split. I haven’t really written fiction in 6 months. I had a lot of back log to work with so I focused on that and just let myself be. Writing 10 ideas every has been helpful and I started writing non fiction unrelated to adult topics.

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