I’ve really enjoyed being able to write again regularly. Having that ability to get the words out, creativity flowing much more freely, has made me almost giddy. It’s also assuaged my worry that I’d lost it. I had that moment, just before, where I wondered who I was if I wasn’t writing. It’s like riding a bike though, isn’t it? Some of that muscle memory, and the associated emotions/energy, came back.
But that’s not what this post is about. (Ha!) I’ve been thinking more and more about communication in dating and play.
A long while ago, I met a guy off some dating site. He was cute and very French. One of the few guys I’ve gone out with that I really dug and saw a lot of potential. I’d go over to his apartment, he’d cook, and we’d hang out. Things would progress to delightful sex and many times I’d stay over (even though I always slept terribly). When we were together, he was hyper focused on me and very attentive. Seemed to care about my pleasure and was interested in my thoughts. Jackpot, right?
None of that translated outside of our time together. I felt like every text was me nagging to chat. He’d go long periods without replying or even acknowledging what I was saying. It was a totally different guy from the one who made me come not an hour before.
The signals were mixed and confusing. Maybe I was overthinking it or something? Finally I wanted to DTR (define the relationship) because I was invested in seeing things continue on. He cleared things up in one very brief text.
“You’re more interested in me than I am in you.”
I should’ve known by the way he didn’t talk to me that I was putting in more than he was at the time. It, in hindsight, also had an interesting effect on me. I back way off when it comes to talking to guys. I keep my texts to an absolute minimum and let them message me once we’ve reached a certain point in our conversation. I feel like a desperate nag otherwise because I don’t know what kind of chitchat they want from me beyond setting up a play date.
I struggle with feeling like I’m not very interesting. I feel that way when I go to talk about myself. I don’t like small talk either so I live in fear that I’m bothering people when I’m trying to establish relationships.
The past couple of weeks of being so horny I could cry has been a true test for me. Should I message someone and
beg ask them to come fuck me? Is that okay within the bounds of our relationship or will that seem like nagging? That may be okay, but is wishing them a happy New Year or asking how work is? I don’t know!
It’s a war. I don’t like chitchat, but I like dropping people I like little messages saying I’m thinking of them. That’s easy to do with friends, but guys I’d really like to fuck me? Yea, I don’t know if they want that. Frankly, my experience says no they don’t.
So I guess I want someone to spank me, snuggle me, rub my butt (and tell me I’m pretty), fuck me, and actually exchange texts with me after interest is established. Maybe I’m asking too much.