What a way to start, but an apt one considering I’m undertaking a month-long challenge.

Anxiety is a friend of mine. It has its roots in trauma, childhood trauma specifically, but we’ve all had some form of it or another.

My anxiety has never been clinically diagnosed, but my family and friends are well aware of the ways it manifests in my life. It’s sent me spiraling into a depressive state in the past which had me contemplating choices I’d never thought I would.

Worst case scenarios where everything could go wrong. I’ve worked myself into such an obsessive state because of worry and anxiety.

Any mistake could lead to hours of thoughts that circle round and round like vultures. Seeking reassurance from friends and family that things will in fact be just fine. It’s my mother’s constant refrain when I mention that I’m worried about something.

“Things will be fine. You worry too much.”

But what if they aren’t?

The lament of the anxious. The constant struggle to beat back the irrational fear that lives in my head can be interesting.

The anxiety can encompass all aspects of my life. Work, my love life, my family, my interactions with others, every mistake I make or have made in the past, nothing is safe from the clawing grip of anxiety.

I’m thankful for the people on my life who tolerate me when I’m like this. Tolerate… I can’t help using that word, but that’s how it feels. It can be exasperating to constantly reassure someone that things will be okay.

Science and studies talk about the deleterious effects it can have on the body. The constant high cortisol levels bathing your organs. The constant fight or flight response. It’s a surprise I haven’t keeled over.

In reflecting on things, I’m looking at ways self-pleasure could mitigate my anxiety.

Ah, but there’s my catch 22. My anxiety plays such tricks on me that I worry about orgasming. The worry that I won’t come can make trying to stressful which increases the likelihood that I won’t come. Add in my iud-artificial hormone-induced low libido and we have a winner.

Tabitha’s challenge (#30DayOrgasmFun) is more about mindfulness. Or it will be for me. Not about coming, which takes the pressure off. I’m probably not going to chronicle all my attempts this month, but I want to see how it affects my mind/mood/outlook.

So far, I’ve had a go with the Doxy. Well, a nice man used the Doxy on me. Even with the irritations plaguing me, I’m feeling fairly chill. May it hold, but may I also remember the purpose.

Here we are with two challenges in one. You’ll get a little smut, plenty of mental health checks, a little mindful masturbation, and something from A to Z.

Graphic with a large A in yellow. Beneath reads blogging from A to Z blogging challenge


  1. The barefoot sub

    What a wonderful introduction to both challenges.
    I’m sorry you experience anxiety in such a way. I consider myself lucky to only struggle with depression. I do worried and nervous, but I believe it’s within normal limits.
    I hope your orgasm anxiety doesn’t impede progress.

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      Cara Thereon

      I can do normal worry and then I have it’s Terrible Sister. Nothing worth going to a doctor over because it doesn’t really mess up daily living per se. just something to deal with.

      Fingers crossed on the last bit!

  2. Tabitha

    Ahhh Cara, so much love to you x x x
    This is a beautiful post – I’m so glad you are taking part – in whatever way works for you – the mindful masturbation is a beautiful part of it.
    But way to go on the first day!
    Lots of love – may I link to this in the main post?

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      Cara Thereon

      It’ll be good for me to participate in this so I’m totally onboard. And yes, feel free to link.

  3. Dawn D

    Ah! Yes! Anxiety, CPTSD, Depression, stress… my (for now) almost constant friends.
    And yes, the high cortisol and it’s gifts of weight gain (for me), easy bruising, galactorrhea, and, possibly, an embolism.
    I hope this challenge helps you relieve the stress of masturbating to orgasm, if nothing else.
    But I feel it may just help in other ways too.
    Lovely picture, really artistic, and great post!

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      Cara Thereon

      I have to kill myself in the to keep my weight under control and the thing that takes the biggest hit is my stomach. My stomach is highly reactive to anxiety. It’s insane.

      Fingers crossed! I need to find some way around the associated anxiety.

  4. missy

    I love the openness of this post and also the fact that you are adapting the task to suit you. I look forward to reading more of your personal writing as well as your other pieces. Happy relaxation.

  5. Ella

    Ah, I feel this post in my bones. Anxiety is a horrible thing to live with, but given how crippling it can be I reckon we’re doing alright.x

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  6. May More

    Great topic for A and something you are knowledgeable about for sure – I am lucky to not be too anxious in life – one of my daughters always has been – it is such a difficult thing – seems to come and then go and then return

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      Cara Thereon

      I’m impressed with the people who don’t struggle with anxiety as it’s something I can’t always kick. It does come and go in waves. Sometimes I have a good handle on it, other times I don’t.

  7. Julie

    A fabulous start Cara. This had me thinking about my son. He gets very anxious and maybe I’ve been a little bit like your mom.

    On another topic, yay for the masturbarion project xx

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