I was reading an article earlier in my feeble attempts to help myself get up and ready for work. It was actually pretty thought provoking, something I’m not always big on at 5:20 am.
A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not “Crazy”
The points contained within deal with society, men, and how women’s emotionalness is manipulated and labeled as crazy. It’s something we all do, gaslight is the term used in the article. (This is my interpretation influenced by fatigue so do yourself a favor and read the article then come back to finish this post.)
It made me think about myself in relationship to this… Relationship I’m in right now. Notice my hesitation to call it that though by definition it is exactly that. Regardless, I was having a moment yesterday, one I labeled as crazy, and reading that article made me wonder why I’m quick to call my emotional moments irrational. Crazy.
In essence, when I’m getting to know someone, I like constant communication. If I haven’t heard from you in a certain amount time without an explanation for why, I get worried. Maybe it is crazy, but I couldn’t help my anxiety. I was/am being overly emotional, or insecure, or whatever else. Rationally, I could say the lack of regular communication is par for the course. It was that way before we managed to meet, but now I’m emotionally vested in our interaction so I read more into it without even trying.
The funny thing is I mentioned my worrying to my friend Bug and the first thing I said was, “I’m being crazy right now.” Why did I automatically say that? Are my feelings, my thoughts, really crazy?
It’s hard at this point to determine that. I’ve been conditioned to believe it. Relationships/male-female interactions turn me into this strange creature so I have a hard time believing otherwise about myself.
All I know is I’m thinking about him, I like our conversations, so one text or email exchange isn’t going to be enough. Yes, I heard from him once, but I want more than once and I have a hard time believing that my thinking isn’t crazy. He tells me not to hide, to relax when I’m with him, but that’s hard for me. I equate a lack of communication as a lack of interest because that’s how it’s been used against me in the past.
Long story short: I like him way too much and that makes me feel crazy.
Comments
It’s so easy to flippantly say “that’s crazy” than to really look at the actions or feelings. Don’t label him a bad guy because he’s not in constant communication. Maybe watch and learn his style and see how he connects with you. I’m shutting the hell up. WHO am I to be giving ANY advice. I’m happy for you CC, have a lovely time getting to know him. That’s the fun of first meeting, no?
Author
With him, we could exchange texts or emails multiple times a day or only once. That’s how it’s been since I first started talking to him. Before I didn’t care, now I read into it. No big, I’m learning that its okay to be emotional and enjoy him too. 🙂
I understand the ease in which we label our emotions crazy…until I’m comfortable with the one I’m with, I do the same thing…after a while, I stop because if he doesn’t consider them crazy, why should I? That being said, I also understand the need for consistent, near-constant communication…for me that’s how trust is built…you’re not crazy…I’d almost say, you’re typical…but maybe that’s just me… 🙂
Author
We seem to share similar responses to things. Lol. I will mellow out, but I want the constant communication to reinforce mutual feelings. I don’t think he thinks I’m crazy, but its hard to tell. He tells me to relax enough as it is.
Yes, we do…lol…
The trust issues I have make mellowing out harder, but it does happen…yes, you do need to relax…but that’s easier said than done… 🙂
Author
I need a drink. That’ll relax me straight away.
Or make you fall asleep…which is like being relaxed – in an unconscious state…lol….
Author
Ahahahaha. Too relaxed.
Its completly normal to be insecure going into a new relationship (or am i just saying that because im exactly the same?). It takes time to learn how quick or slow they are to respond and for communications to find their natural pace. Plus in the new exciting “getting to know you” days, its not crazy to want to see or speak to him.
Author
Maybe I’ll mellow out in a week or so. I’m hoping quickly. Plus I’ve talked to him a bit today so I’m more chill. Thanks, BT.
Hope it goes well. I don’t think it’s crazy…I’m a talker and like communication. I don’t think it’s insecurity. I just like the closeness.
Author
I’m adjusting to his pattern of communication. Hopefully it doesn’t really drive me nuts.
Unfortunately, I’m more-than-familiar with the term “gaslighting.” It’s used (especially in some of the blogging circles I frequent) to describe the crazy-making situation where one spouse senses something is “off” (maybe a wife feels her husband has been distant, or nervous), but when she brings her questions/observations to her husband, he denies that anything is wrong — says that she is imagining things — when, in fact, there is something wrong (like if the husband is having an affair and is covering it up). The wife’s instincts WERE spot-on. However, because her husband lied to her, and because the she has placed complete trust in him, she is left second-guessing her own gut-instinct. This creates feelings of severe insecurity and instability for the wife, because she is being taught that she cannot trust her own judgment and instincts, and starts constantly second-guessing herself. Eventually she becomes dependent upon her husband to “tell” her how she should feel. This cycle goes on until… (dun-dun-DUN!) the shit hits the fan, and the husband either comes clean or gets caught. THEN the wife realizes that not only was she betrayed by the unfaithful prick, but she was lied-to for however-long and made to think that SHE was crazy for her feelings/intuitions, when she was EXACTLY right. And THAT’S why betrayed spouses “snap” and “go crazy,” and why they say things like “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”
Anyway, gaslighting isn’t reserved just for cheating spouses, obviously, but the key element to remember is that when you’re having any sort of “off” feeling, you need to allow yourself to descend into that feeling until you can identify exactly what it is that you are feeling. You might not be able to pinpoint a cause (especially if there’s lying involved), but you will at least be able to get a clearer understanding of your emotions and intuitions. And no matter what anyone tells you, even if it contradicts what you sense, it doesn’t matter: go with your gut. Always trust yourself, first. There’s a reason you are having these feelings. After all, they weren’t there before, and now they are. Something changed or shifted in your world to trigger their inception. (Hey, cops live and die, literally, by learning to trust their instincts. There’s go to be something to it.)
Sorry this was so long-winded! Cheers! 🙂
Author
The article talked about that specifically.
Honestly, I do this with every guy I talk to. I don’t think there’s basis to it and if it is I don’t have much of a claim. But the fact that I spent time with him yesterday surrounded by naked women and he only had his eyes on me says a whole lot. I could keep this one.
Omg. I feel SOOOOOOOO behind with you and your life!
You snagged yourself a man!?! (Wait, just to be clear, I’m not surprised that you did. I’m uber excited for you!) WOOHOOO. Message me and tell me all about it! jk. Only if you want to :]
Author
I’ll drop you a message as soon as I get in from work.