Currently at work about to start that 12 (11 now) hour routine.
It’s a holiday, not the point of this post, but it’s worth saying Happy 4th to my fellow Americans.
I’ve been thinking, considering things over the last few days. One strange topic that’s been floating in my mind is my femininity. After that shoot a couple of weeks ago, I’ve been reminded of my level of sexiness. I understand that my body in certain clothes, posed a certain way, looking coyly at the camera makes me look sexy. I can look in a mirror and acknowledge how good my parts look out together. There are days where I just don’t feel very feminine though. I’m low key to the point of laziness and many times don’t feel I garner a second look from guys.
I feel pretty damn mannish sometimes. In my thinking and my actions.
Maybe it comes from not ever being made to feel like a woman from anyone. Most of my interactions with guys have either been me being ignored or getting too much attention. There is no happy middle.
That’s probably why I decided to do those pictures, why I’m planning on doing more, why certain aspects of D/s appeals. I want someone to bring out that feminine feeling in me.
Make me feel like a woman…
The other thing occupying my mind is my writing. It’s time for my monthly moment of doubt. Though it’s feeling longer than a moment to me
In many ways I feel like writing is the best, most therapeutic thing in the world. But I’m not serious enough to tackle it head on. I’m not able to say what needs to be said to make people clamor to buy my stories. I don’t know how to ask for support and it’s frustrating.
Is my writing good enough? Sure. Am I intense enough to push it to the masses? Nope.
This is just fun. Self-pubbing a story occasionally, posting stories to sites and e-zines, writing out my fantasies… That’ll continue, but the stressing, begging, frustration ends. I’ll lower my expectations of myself and move at a more realistic pace, or I’ll just stop trying to publish all together.
Cara isn’t cut out for it right now. She’ll just write what makes her happy. You can read if you have time.
Knowing you’re writing to fulfill a part of yourself makes your work way, WAY more appealing to me than commercializing Cara Thereon. I’m proud of you for heading that direction. xxoo
That’s the best I can do. Trying to publish just doesn’t seem possible and is stressing me. I’ll just do what I like and figure the rest out later. 🙂
And hey, listen, I’m sure publishing IS possible and could eventually be in your future. And any dream worth realizing is going to mean hard work and some stress. By no means should we always take the smooth path. Right now just may not be the right time to tackle it.
Yea, its too stressful so I need a break. Lol
here, here !
Just so you know, you’re not feeling any different than the rest of us. I go through waves with my femininity and it’s ok. You can’t be on all the time. As for your writing, you inspire me. I haven’t revealed my writing. I’ve just put out a fingernail amount on my blog and the rest of what I write is editorial. I don’t feel like I’ve found my voice yet. I’m good with information, but I protect my heart. I do know that if you do what you love it all has a way of working out.
I’ve enjoyed the things you’ve written a lot. I guess I’m just feeling like I don’t have what it takes. My blogging people like it, but it doesn’t go beyond this (at least not in any visible way). I’m doing it all wrong and just want to quit so stepping back seems the better move. I’m okay with this being the extent of things right now.
Thanks for the hug and the pep talk. 🙂
I think femininity is always there. The blooming of comes and goes sometimes, depending on your mindset and focus but, always , always be aware that it’s there, like a big cat wandering the jungle, stealthy and seen when it wants to be seen. Thats how I think about it. Today, I happen to feel like Tom Arnold as I head out to work in the yard and sweat like a pig. My big cat is sleeping right now. I love you and your writing Cara. xo, Jayne
My big cat must be asleep as well. I don’t feel it moving around as often as I think I should I guess.
Happy 4th! 🙂
To you as well. 😀
As long as you keep writing, whatever th motivation.
We’ll keep reading.
And falling more and more in love with you.
I always appreciate the love and attention. No way I’d be able to stop writing anyways! 🙂
Personally I think that writing is something that should first and foremost be done out of passion for doing it and money second.
Success by sales is not a yardstick guarantee and as such you should write so long as people enjoy it and you are willing.
If something catches on, then luck has found you and you might strike it big. You don’t even have to be good at it or better than others as enough recent literary successes prove so don’t stress on being smarter or more literary than someone else or such.
Just be you and let yourself and your writing evolve with you.
Oh and I hope you stop feeling un-feminine so much, you seem like a lovely looking lady from the images you elected to share – even the girls I’m friends with occassionally feel the need to dress utterly down and not feel “womanly” so maybe you just need to find how much of each you like as your balance?
I’m not looking (or wasn’t looking) for success on a monetary front. I think I’m looking more for validation. People are interested so I must be doing this writing thing right. It was wrecking me so it was time to stop.
I think it’s knowing how to channel those moments.
It’s like when you know you could really make heads turn if you really wanted to call that up. Every woman knows what features they can accentuate to get eye-dilation happening. It may just be finding the reason/justification to.
That’s true. I just wish it was effortless on my part.