I’m hella insecure.
What a way to start a post! I am though, insecure that is. A fact an awesome fellow blogger pointed out to me. It tends to touch everything I do, turning my love for things into hate. It’s what makes me put disclaimers on my stories. It’s what makes me a mean perfectionist. I know I’m good, but you don’t know I’m good so I have to convince you.
My friend Bug pointed out that my lack of confidence stems from my need for approval. I tend to want to be everything to everyone at the expense of myself. Do I want things because that’s what I want or because that’s what’s expected of me? The result is I’m not sure who I am or if I like the person that is “me”. Scary, scary thought.
Bug then suggested I make a few lists. With the aim being an exploration and subsequent understanding of myself. One is a list of tangible things I want to do, another is a things to do/see/have by the new year, and the last is things I want for myself. I’ll share one list with ya.
20 Things I Want To Do (within the next 3 months)
I want to…
vacation alone
go on 1 decent date
initiate a conversation with an attractive stranger
develop a solid new friendship
meet a blogger that I enjoy reading
learn how to make a complicated meal
have my clitoral hood pierced / modified to my outer labia
learn how to salsa dance
have my first erotic spanking
receive a lap dance from someone I’m attracted to
strip for a crowd of men
pose nude for a photographer or artist
give a great blow job to a guy
skinny dip
allow someone to hold me all night / I stayed the night at The Mr. House. Counting it
read my writing to a group of people
finish editing 3 stories I’ve written and love
send out query letters on 1 manuscript
publish another story on Amazon
do one thing with in my profession that I’m afraid to do
I’ll be curious to see if I can accomplish those. I want to!
But no more excuses. I’m determined to find myself. So, I’ll let you know how I do.
Comments
Finding yourself is a noble goal. I hope you succeed!
Author
I hope so too.
That’s one hell of a list babe. But a fantastic one, I’ll give you that. It’s gonna be a busy three months! 😉
All that being said, I understand. The insecurity. The need for approval. The fear that people didn’t like me for me. The who’s the real me…
*big squeeze* And just so you know… you are a great girl. And a fantastic writer. And from my experience, a good friend because you are thoughtful and considerate and so very much more.
and then some *hugs and kisses* too. Because you deserve them. And because if you want any help with any of those goals, just let me know! *wink*
Just make sure LSAM discusses it with M first, will you?
@ nick. Smart ass!
XXXX @ both of you:-)
Author
Lol. I love you, Nick. 🙂
Author
I’m hoping I can hit 2/3 of these. I have to do something to build myself up because I feel like I’m drowning. Seriously, I’d love to meet you and M both. You too are fascinating. 🙂
haha. I don’t know about fascinating, but we try to keep it interesting! *hugs* babe. Don’t drown. If you need to talk, email me. xoxo
Author
Thanks. I appreciate you, truly. <3
Many of those things could be done in one hella night, with yours truly 😉
Author
Oh, gosh. Yes, please.
I was going to say that you’re making ME tired – ALL that in 3 months??!! But, reading what diirty wrote, all in one hell of a night – sounds like fun …for you! ( no piercing like that for me, thank you. )
Author
Realistically, I can’t get all those done in three months, but I can get a lot done. The piercing will probably be the first thing I manage to accomplish. Honestly many of these I was making plans to do, but this helps me to be purposeful.
I would give a whole lot to have dirrty make many of these happen. A whole, whole lot.
a hole, hole lot??!! (sorry, I had to be crude haha to fix your spelling! )
Author
LOL.
I have to add something – I know theres some deeper reason to talk about but I honestly don’t LIKE approval. I like acknowledgement but approval is tricky. …approval from people who don’t know you is not real in a way. If I know someone very well and that person has an opinion, I will trust that more as real but I have to respect someone to trust their judgement or to be able to truly hear and process it as real. Trust only people who you respect…and still doubt it unless you feel that sense about it that it is true. You can feel that.
Author
I’m so weird. I want approval because I’ve been “trained” to feel the need to work for it, but don’t believe it when I receive it. It’s made worse by the fact that I don’t like asking for it. I don’t trust anyone well enough to believe what they tell me.
because you SHOULDN’T. You only offer that position to people who have “earned” the position with grace, intelligence, compassion… Maybe you doubt your way because you feel it’s fundamentally wrong from the start. You have to approve of them to want their approval – not the other way around.
Author
I’ll have to try keeping that in mind.
Looove this list. It includes goals from all parts of your life– very balanced! Good luck, love. I hope you report back on some of them. :]
Xoxo
Author
Thanks! I’m determined to make them happen. It’ll be fun trying.
I can completely relate to the insecurity, as I’m sure you know. That’s an exciting list and I’m sure you will have fun ticking them off aswell as gaining confidence from each new experience
Author
Sometimes I wonder what happened to make me so insecure. I can’t figure out if its just something everyone suffers from or something brought on by my past. Here’s hoping I make serious headway here.
That is quite an amazingly adventurous list. Best wishes in tackling it. 🙂
Author
Very adventurous! Lol
Good luck! I know you’ll get some of those (or all) on your list done! Go you! 😀
Author
Lol. Thanks. Lets hope I don’t chicken out on a few of those.
Congrats on taking a call to shake things up, few people can really do that beyond just trying to puff themselves up – I’d say just dive in and try them at random when chance presents itself or when you really have the urge, don’t waste the impulse 😀
All the same, however it turns out and whatever you manage to complete, all the best of luck with that and just remember that succeed or fail, it’s all better than being regretful later.
Cheers.
Author
I’m hoping I let myself go to do some of these. Many are going to be hard on the grounds of my healthy sense of morality, but I have a feeling I’ll let myself take a chance when it comes.
You win some, you lose some – but to not try as many as you can… as the man once said “do or do not, there is no try”
CC, this May we will make sure that #’s 3,4,5,6, 12 (if you really want it), and 16 happen!!! The others are up to you. kk?
Author
Yes, please. I’ll take any help I can get.
Sounds good. Will talk to Lo about it.
Author
Maybe she’ll help me to be brave and do them. I will not chicken out.
Thats a great list honey 🙂
Good luck!
xx
Author
It’s extensive and I intentionally gave myself a short window. It’ll bust through some of this fear I hope.
You’ll do it! I have every faith in you 😉
Xx
Your main problem is inside your head. But you know that already:-)
MariMar had a nice post and comments last week on the ‘getting outside of your head’ problem: http://unravelingmarimar.wordpress.com/2013/04/10/life-is-too-short/
Look at it and see if you can use some of those things.
You have a great bunch of people here offering to help. Some, I know, are awesome, smart, sexy people. People you can trust your heart and your body to. Stop thinking so much. See if they really would like to play a little, to help you do some fun things safely. Do some due diligence, maybe talking to others here that you trust.
Then put aside your normal concerns, don’t think about it lots, pack your pretty panties, just go for it.
I would place money that by the time you have knocked over five of these targets many of the rest will just fall over for you:-)
And, if you want to, and they want you to, come back and tell us about the new you:-)
Author
It is. Many of my inhibitions come from how I believe people perceive me. I’m scared to take any risks because of it.
I’m hoping the doing gets easier as I start to attempt (and succeed at) some of these. It’ll take forgetting who I think I am for a little while, and maybe a little alcohol. I think I’ll enlist the help of those who volunteer because they’ll keep me from chickening out. My friend Bug will push me a great deal.
Now what are the odds I could get you to help me?
Touché:-)
Free internet advice. Worth every cent!
Author
Lol.
I’ll woo you yet, Nick. You intrigue me a great deal.
I thought you said that you were the shy, retiring sort?
Author
Not always. I can be aggressive when I don’t think too much. 🙂
Excellent technique!
Sounds like you’ve been taking a leaf out of our friend LSAM’s book;-)
A much braver list than mine would be lol thought I have to say guys are more likely to want to see me put more clothes on than take them off at my age lol and after my belly button piercing a few years ago I swore never again though havent ruled out another tattoo
Author
From what I’ve been told, projecting confidence and being sexy can turn a man on whether we think we’re sexy or not. I don’t want to let fear hold me back anymore.
I’d like one more tattoo, but I’ve promised myself to wait for a while before I get it. The piercing something exciting that I can’t wait to do!
ten years ago I would have agreed with you but lots of things have headed south since having my second child and four years of spinal problems and surgeries, I can create fantasies with words my body will never live up to anymore lol but thats okay have been with my other half 16 years so he probably wouldn;t be to happy at me carrying out a couple of the things on your list though I will say I did start learning salsa at one point and highly recommend it
Author
I think you’d probably be surprised. Lol. 🙂
Love your list! You can do it!
Author
Lol. Thanks! I hope so.
Yes, you can! 😉
Author
Then I will! Lol
Yeah! I’m rooting for you. 🙂
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We are quite similar in thinking Cara! Xoxo!
Author
Woot! Comrade. 🙂
Onward Ho! 😉
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Great list! One crossed off already, keep it going! I won’t pretend I don’t hope to be the blogger you meet!
Author
I want to meet you! Have wanted to for years now. I’ll have to make a special visit.
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