I’m avoiding story writing. I know that, I’m trying to face that by being honest. Part of me is scared that some of my creativity is gone after so long a break. I’m going to start small to overcome it, but for now I’m sticking to non fiction stuff. I’ll get there. I’ll get there…
My mind turns often to how the past influences who we are. I think too about how seeing other people’s experiences can also influence who we are.
I know a lot of girls grew up feeling like they weren’t attractive to anyone. Going through puberty and feeling like you weren’t what anyone was looking for can be tough. It’s not the plight of just one girl to know this experience, is it? I never had a boyfriend, and to be fair I wasn’t ever out-going enough to get anyone’s attention. I was invisible.
Once, in middle school on picture day, a guy in my home room asked me for my picture. I thought it was weird. He was into football and baseball, he was also not someone who I talked to or ever tried to talked to me. I gave him the picture and then saw him whispering in the corner with his friends. I let it go. But he asked me again and then another picture day after that. He never talked to me outside of that and I never knew what he did with them. It opened a strange hole in me. I wasn’t necessarily wanted, I was someone to occasionally be whispered about.
My sophomore year in college, I became an RA (resident advisor or someone who oversees a floor of students). I was sitting with the other RAs in the building as students were mulling around. One of the guys watched as a freshman walked by, practically leering. The moment she was out of ear shot, he goes “She’s a butterface. Everything is cute, but her face”. I cottoned on quick that he was super gross, but that phrase… has stuck in my mind for 16 1/2 years. It’s a phrase I’ve thought of myself more than once in the last 16 1/2 years.
I like to joke that if you’re trying to find the love of your life, date me first. I’m a good starter date/girlfriend. Good enough to hang out with… I’ve never had much luck with dating either. I didn’t feel people were attracted to me. Not me. I often suffered from the thing I joked about. Great for a few dates or a fuck, but nothing more. It’s how I’ve made it to 35 years old mostly single.
And here I am, single again.
It takes a lot to overcome those thoughts. It takes a lot to believe someone when they say they’re attracted to me. Are they really? To me? And to have to figure it all out again is more than I can handle at times. I can ask a man to spank my ass, but to get him to talk to me and find me interesting beyond that? I can’t get myself into that mindset again.
I spent time with a play partner of mine recently. It was good conversation and good sex and good aftercare. What I want and what I am trying to enjoy without emotions or strings. I do enjoy his company. I want that all the time, but I’ll be honest when I say I don’t want to go to the effort to find it. Partly, it’s me not wanting to date because it’s tedious. Partly because I don’t know how to get rid of the things I feel. To be honest, I don’t have to date and I don’t want to right now, but I’d love to get my whole self out of the jaded spot I’m in.
How do I feel beautiful? Not again, but at all?
Questions I hope to find the answers to this year.
I relate to how you feel about dating. It’s what I felt for along time after breaking up with my ex, years ago, and I just needed to be happy and confident within myself to get back to even consider and have the energy to try again. Do what feels right to you. I find that repetitiveness works in terms of being able to find yourself beautiful again. If you are told over and over that you are, which you might have to do yourself, it will eventually stick. Or perhaps if you enjoy posting pictures and receiving positive feedback, this can also help. Either way, I hope you find a way to see yourself as you are, which is beautiful
I’ll get there! It always takes a little time doesn’t it? I’m hoping a little self-care and reminding myself of my truths will help
I have never heard of the term ‘butterface’ before, but you describing your school years made me remember mine, as I was never a girl who stood out, or who someone wanted to be with…
Being invisible had an interesting effect on me. I don’t always feel people see me now.
“I like to joke that if you’re trying to find the love of your life, date me first. I’m a good starter date/girlfriend. Good enough to hang out with… I’ve never had much luck with dating either. I didn’t feel people were attracted to me. Not me. I often suffered from the thing I joked about. Great for a few dates or a fuck, but nothing more.”
Oh, I felt this so much – so similar to my own feeling as someone people get started with and then move on from.
And still trying to figure out how to meet people and communicate that yes, I am available and I’d like to now if you are interested, without also feeling like I’m being a total jerk.
So hard. Dating sucks so much and has so many pitfalls. I don’t know if I can do it right now. Good luck to you though.
I’ve never been a fan of dating. I agree that it is tedious…and I rarely want to put forth that kind of effort. My Husband loves the hunt and chase, and is disappointed that I don’t…so I just let him do it for us. I’d rather read a book at home in my jammies with the dog.
I get jaded so easily and want to skip over the chit chat. I just want to know the person. The rest is too much.
Sharing this because Im not alien to the thoughts you describe.
It’s a poem that struck a powerful chord and speaks to people who have powerful self-doubt and such and speaks to the disenfranchised heart.
I’ve not heard that expression. Certainly does not apply here. I enjoyed this and looking forward to your fiction when it comes.