This week’s Wicked Wednesday is about mental illness.
I’ve written a little about being anxious in my A post for the A to Z challenge. That is an undiagnosed issue I have as a well as being a perfectionist, but that’s not necessarily a problem. I’d kind of like to talk about something unrelated, but a thing I think about.
Invisibility… There have been periods in my life where I’ve felt invisible. Not what someone was looking for or wanted in their life. Overlooked, ignored.
I recall in high school wondering if I’d ever get a date. Every girl goes through that period where they think they are ugly. I wasn’t exactly the norm for my peers as a tall, black girl. I wasn’t super popular, I didn’t play sports, I wasn’t exceedingly smart. I was pretty plain and flew under the radar so dating wasn’t something that happened for me. Add my involvement in the church and I managed to kiss dating goodbye (if you know that reference, you’ve been involved in US christian culture as a teen in the 90s-00s). Most of that carried on through college. I watched many of my friends pair up and find their soul mate that they’ve married and remained married to date.
Being ignored does weird things to your self-esteem. It’s funny how much that stuff shapes you. I still struggle with not thinking I have a chance with guys because no guy has ever really been interested. Or the alternative is I’ve been fetishized by guys. “I’ve never been with a black woman before.” Okay? I’m afraid I’m not interested in being your first.
Where am I even going with this? Not where I’d planned.
I’d planned to talk a little about race and the roles it plays in how people are ignored right up until someone feels threatened by them. That level of ignoring people leads not only to the lose of life, but also the inability to see how their needs are being denied. I meant to cover a bit of that thought process in my session, but worried I wouldn’t get it to make enough sense. Instead, I touched a little on how it feels to not be seen when it comes to being marginalized. Sometimes it’s not because you don’t care, but because it’s not something that is an obvious problem in your own life. This is where the All Lives Matter gets it wrong. “I’ve never had issues with the police so surely they aren’t that bad.”
Here I am though, dwelling on the ways I’ve felt in the dating world instead. Isn’t that life, though? Things not going quite as planned.
It’s funny because in many ways, I feel invisible when it comes to my writing. I know it isn’t necessarily true, but it’s hard to kick those feelings. I write so much, too much at times, and feel like it’s hard to break through the barrier to be recognized. The plight of all writers, I’m sure. So I’m trying another thing, another promotion thing, to get myself going. To hone those skills of putting product out and hoping to have it seen and appreciated. Nothing ventured…
READ MORE ABOUT WHAT I’M DOING
Comments
I see you everyday, and I hear you too. I love what you have to say and look forward to reading more!
Author
Thanks!
That’s such a lovely post, and I’m sorry you had that experience growing up. Thank you so much for sharing.
Author
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, as the saying goes.
I often feel the same as a writer. Good luck on your new promo adventure! Let us know how it goes! I’m always looking for new ways to get myself out there!
Author
We’ll see how it goes. I’m going to be purposeful with this, but in most things people will come if they want to.
I’ve experienced something similar, being bisexual in college. Everyone thought I was the “unicorn” they could have a threesome with. Like…bro, I don’t know you?
I’m sorry you’ve had this experience. You have a strong voice, and I sincerely hope people will listen.
—
Operation Awesome. Our A to Z 2019 theme is the writing journey.
Author
People are sooo weird. I don’t know why sometimes.
Thank you! I’ll have to venture over to visit your site.
You are a brilliant writer, Cara, and I am sure it’s just a matter of time until you are discovered as a writer, and I will be one of the first to buy your book. You also write about feeling invisible in school. Same here. I was at the end of my fist year of high school when some senior realized I had never gone through a hazing ritual. And dating? Not much of that either…
Thanks for sharing your thoughts
Author
It’s probably for the best that I flew under the radar in school. Always in hindsight I realize my experience isn’t unique. Most people were ignored in somewhat.
Bless you, Rebel. Maybe I’ll get to see it happen with a little more perseverance.
I want to write something empathetic and supportive here (I understand! I’ve been there!) but I don’t know what it is like to be marginalized in the ways that you have experienced. I am not a tall black woman (rather a short, pale, freckled one.) But maybe there are echoes in each other’s experiences. I do know what it is like to not be seen, to be overlooked: it hurts. It brings out all kinds of unpleasantness in me: envy, jealousy, fear, competitiveness.
You are a gifted and talented writer, Cara. I don’t stop here often enough to say so, but I do see it. I see what you choose to share with us here. I see you. And I think there are a whole lot of others that do too. Keep doing what you do, and more than that, keep loving what you do – that is what makes you stand out. That is what I see when I read your writings.
Author
I think being ignored is definitely something most people identify with even if the marginalized bit is foreign. I’ve experienced those exact emotions. I compared myself a lot to the pretty blonde girl of a similar age that everyone seemed to prefer. She was the nicest person in the world, but I felt less than next to her (she’s married with 4 kids now and I’m not. Still comparing I guess).
And thank you. I do enjoy writing and putting my stories out there. I’m hoping to do more with myself and hopefully it’ll continue to bare fruit.
Thought provoking Cara.
I can relate to feeling fairly invisible at school & on the dating scene – if you’ve seen or read the Duff I think that applies to me.
As for your writing – I can tell you you’re wrong – you make a big (good) impression on so many of us. I think any invisibility you feel there is shaped by how you feel in other spheres of your life. You’re a writing Goddess to me! Xx
Author
Invisibility seems to be a feature of our group. I’ve heard about DUFF but haven’t seen/read it.
I’m sure my feelings about my writing are shaped by a number of things. The only thing to do is push on, and be a little bit more dedicated with putting my work into the world and asking for money for it.
You are definitely NOT invisible to me, and I remember missing you so very much on your last blogging hiatus several years ago. I had this conversation with Rebel during Eroticon, but I had the opposite problem — being too seen (and being bullied for it) and desperately wishing I could be invisible. But now that I’m an adult and can see what invisibility can do, I wouldn’t want that either.
Author
I’ve had moments where I’ve been visible and it only led to problems. Probably better to not be seen even if it does feel lonely
I can really related to feeling invisible, not because I am marginalised but because I blend in and become invisible. In some ways this feels like the first place I am actually seen but ironically people can’t actually see me so I become what they imagine if that makes sense.
You know that I love your writing and think that you have so much talent so I hope that your new project helps to make you feel more visible.
missy x
Author
This place is a place where I’ve felt more seen as well. You get to be real here where you can’t anywhere else and that’s appreciated.
Thank you! I hope it encourages me to do more.
Definitely understand being invisible. I think I felt that way for many years and in being a parent only makes it worse because you are then just someone’s mum.
Hugs
Molly
Author
I know a lot of mothers who feel this way. You’re more than someone’s mom!
Boy, can I relate to this. Thank you for writing what I’m always feeling.
Author
You’re welcome