I Blog to Feel

I’ve seen the topic for Food for Thought Friday floating around and knew it was one I needed to get in on.

The why of blogging. The first few questions ask why we let the words flow out, but I’m drawn to the last two.

What is it that compels you to write? 
Have those reasons varied over time?

I’ll try to answer as best I can! I’ve written often about how long I’ve been blogging. I started blogging on a now defunct site in 2004 (the winter of my junior year on college), drawn there by a girl I knew from church that blogged on the site. I gradually moved over to WordPress and have pretty much stayed here. Having journaled through adolescence, this was just another way to write what was on my mind.

I’ll be honest, I’ve for years believed I was a much better communicator through writing than speaking. It can take me time to process what’s being said to me especially if it’s something emotional. I often feel like I lose the words I want to say if I’m put on the spot. If I haven’t prepared for a conversation I get a little lost trying to say what is on my mind. Some of this stems from years of feeling like I’m not being listened to, that my opinion and my needs don’t matter, and it then becomes hard for me to express myself.

Initially I wrote to get my fantasies out. I’m curious about being spanked? There’s a dirty fantasy in my mind? What would this situation be like for me if I was in it? I can write it out and it’s clear, but don’t ask me to verbalize it because I’m not sure I’ll be able to communicate it as well.

I struggle with feeling unintelligent, inelegant, and silly when I talk because I can’t quite express myself in the precise way that I feel I should for my education level. This place is been my space to be me. I don’t have to explain why I wrote that or what it means, for the most part. I’m here to write whatever crosses my mind without the worry the world likes to attach to things. The words just come easily. Well, usually. Sometimes the fiction comes easier than the non-fiction.

One thing I’ve learned is my writing is a clear signal of my mental health. If I’m struggling with anxiety, depression, or stress it can affect my desire to write. I feel the easy with which I write reflects what’s going on in my life. Do I feel safe to express myself? Then the words come. To be fair, writers block can be explained by something simple like mental exhaustion from having done a month of writing. Creativity just dries up sometimes.

This has been different though. I realized lately I haven’t written much. It’s been a super low productivity level of me when it comes to creativity. Harder still is I’ve not wanted to write, have given zero thought to it. The urge only comes when I realize it’s been weeks since I’ve participated in anything. There’s a lot going on emotional for me right now that does make wanting to write tough. It’s writers block on steroids.

Some of the tension I’ve felt has let up recently, and I’ll discuss why in another post soon, and as a result I found the last two posts have flowed. I was able to write 1300 words yesterday and it was easier.

Writing… blogging helps me recognize my needs. It helps me to examine my mental health, it helps me to see my life clearer, it helps me to see. After nearly 15 years of this being my live journal, I’ll always come back to this.

#F4TFriday

Comments

  1. May More

    Ah so good to see you here – tonight I have read posts by people that touch my soul –

    “I struggle with feeling unintelligent, inelegant, and silly when I talk because I can’t quite express myself in the precise way that I feel I should for my education level.”

    that is me – I write so much better than I speak – speaking has to be done so fast – I have to do everything fast – so it gets messed up – writing is messed up, but then there is a chance to return and and edit! ah yes Edit… if only we could edit our lives.
    Lovely to see you on f4tfriday – Floss and I are having a great time hosting the meme and u are welcome all the bloody time!

  2. missy

    I love finding out more about you and was surprised that when you talk you feel unintelligent, inelegant, and silly. I have heard you talk and, believe me, you sound none of those. I do know what you mean about writing and it is always easier to be articulate when you have the thinking time to do so. But in the same way, the reader can pour over your each and every word in a way that the listener cannot do, so I think it is swings and roundabouts. 🙂

  3. Julie

    Lovely to see your words on my screen. I too have been away, but a self imposed exile. You are so right that there are many reasons that the words don’t flow, in my case I was tired with writing for the sake of it.

    I also know how it is to feel that expressing your thoughts through words on a page (of some kind) are easier, more eloquent, more intelligent than trying to express them in the spoken word.

    I am glad you have joined in with this meme and that you are ready to write again. I for one will always be here ready to read what you say. Mind you I think you speak well too.

  4. Marie Rebelle

    I think you are a beautiful, eloquent woman, and I am sad to see that things have been difficult for you lately, but also glad to see that some of the tension has eased up and you have managed to write again. I look forward to your next post. And the next, and the next 🙂

    Rebel xox

  5. elliott

    Oh, Cara. When I read this… I struggle with feeling unintelligent, inelegant, and silly when I talk because I can’t quite express myself in the precise way that I feel I should for my education level.… I thought ‘that is me’. I feel that way when I write also. It shook me to read that. That definitely does not apply to you. Nice illustration to this post, btw.

  6. Jupiter Grant

    “…for years believed I was a much better communicator through writing than speaking. It can take me time to process what’s being said to me especially if it’s something emotional. I often feel like I lose the words I want to say if I’m put on the spot. If I haven’t prepared for a conversation I get a little lost trying to say what is on my mind. Some of this stems from years of feeling like I’m not being listened to, that my opinion and my needs don’t matter, and it then becomes hard for me to express myself.”

    Ditto. You express so perfectly exactly my own insecurity when it comes to talking as opposed to written communication. I can very much identify

  7. Lexy

    This was a great prompt wasn’t it?!

    I relate to the writing to get fantasies out. I love doing that. Also relate to the feeling of being able to express more clearly in writing.

    Please don’t be too hard on yourself about periods of writing less. Maybe you are doing something else creative or expressive at these times, or maybe you are just resting / percolating / taking in new inspiration until it is time again. Life often goes in cycles.

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