I’ve seen the topic for Food for Thought Friday floating around and knew it was one I needed to get in on.
The why of blogging. The first few questions ask why we let the words flow out, but I’m drawn to the last two.
I’ll try to answer as best I can! I’ve written often about how long I’ve been blogging. I started blogging on a now defunct site in 2004 (the winter of my junior year on college), drawn there by a girl I knew from church that blogged on the site. I gradually moved over to WordPress and have pretty much stayed here. Having journaled through adolescence, this was just another way to write what was on my mind.
I’ll be honest, I’ve for years believed I was a much better communicator through writing than speaking. It can take me time to process what’s being said to me especially if it’s something emotional. I often feel like I lose the words I want to say if I’m put on the spot. If I haven’t prepared for a conversation I get a little lost trying to say what is on my mind. Some of this stems from years of feeling like I’m not being listened to, that my opinion and my needs don’t matter, and it then becomes hard for me to express myself.
Initially I wrote to get my fantasies out. I’m curious about being spanked? There’s a dirty fantasy in my mind? What would this situation be like for me if I was in it? I can write it out and it’s clear, but don’t ask me to verbalize it because I’m not sure I’ll be able to communicate it as well.
I struggle with feeling unintelligent, inelegant, and silly when I talk because I can’t quite express myself in the precise way that I feel I should for my education level. This place is been my space to be me. I don’t have to explain why I wrote that or what it means, for the most part. I’m here to write whatever crosses my mind without the worry the world likes to attach to things. The words just come easily. Well, usually. Sometimes the fiction comes easier than the non-fiction.
One thing I’ve learned is my writing is a clear signal of my mental health. If I’m struggling with anxiety, depression, or stress it can affect my desire to write. I feel the easy with which I write reflects what’s going on in my life. Do I feel safe to express myself? Then the words come. To be fair, writers block can be explained by something simple like mental exhaustion from having done a month of writing. Creativity just dries up sometimes.
This has been different though. I realized lately I haven’t written much. It’s been a super low productivity level of me when it comes to creativity. Harder still is I’ve not wanted to write, have given zero thought to it. The urge only comes when I realize it’s been weeks since I’ve participated in anything. There’s a lot going on emotional for me right now that does make wanting to write tough. It’s writers block on steroids.
Some of the tension I’ve felt has let up recently, and I’ll discuss why in another post soon, and as a result I found the last two posts have flowed. I was able to write 1300 words yesterday and it was easier.
Writing… blogging helps me recognize my needs. It helps me to examine my mental health, it helps me to see my life clearer, it helps me to see. After nearly 15 years of this being my live journal, I’ll always come back to this.