Dead weight

I know the topic of weight and food can be a sensitive topic for some so do mind this post if that isn’t something you can stomach

Before everything with covid kicked off, I’d kind of stopped going to the gym. Not because I didn’t want to, but the trek itself (a walk to public transit to a longer walk to get to the gym) made going a choir. I love the gym system I’m a part of so believe me when I tell you I was real upset I couldn’t go.

Then covid got feisty and I couldn’t go anyway so I started working out at home. I’m a long time exerciser and I enjoy it anyway. There at the beginning it became a literal lifesaver and an outlet for the panic level anxiety I was experiencing. This was my zen getting to workout.

As the year progressed, I kept working out but my eating got worse and worse. The world was a shit show and my subconscious thought was, “eat well, you may die tomorrow so enjoy it.” If you know me even a little, you know I enjoy my food. My weight will bounce up and down but if I work out enough it doesn’t matter.

It started mattering toward the end of the year. My “you may die tomorrow” became “eat without any restraint.”

I could tell I was gaining weight. It was shitting on my mental health, which on top of my feelings of disconnection from my writing and the world, wasn’t helpful. I stopped taking photos and I felt generally awful, but I couldn’t stop.

When I stepped on the scale for the first time in months, I could’ve cried. It’s the most I’ve ever weighed. Weight doesn’t define who I am, but the scale reflected my feelings back to me. Boy was it hard to see.

I’d been toying with the idea of starting a newer program I’d seen on tv a few times. Mostly because it wasn’t one that said I couldn’t eat what I liked. A habit change, but still eating the things I love? Sign me up. It’s been just over 2 weeks and I’ve lost 14lbs. Before anyone gets worried, it’s not an extreme drop. Some of its water weight I’d gained and some of its watching what I eat a little closer, but I’ve still been eating what I like (read: cookies). I’m not focusing on what I need to lose, but on what I have lost instead right now. It’s a cool place to be in.

Really, I wanted to mention something positive. I’m still iffy on picture taking right now, but my body confidence is slowly improving. Baby steps, eh?