Love Me Not

I’m trying my damndest to get back into the habit of writing at least once a week. I have active blogs (one non kink, one kink, and one writing), I’m managing to update none with any regularity. My non kink one hasn’t been updated since June at least even though I’ve had tons of ideas for posts there. It tells me how long I’ve been struggling. When you’re in the grips of depression, it can take everything you have to make a plan and stick to it. We solider on as always…

The topic for this week’s Food4Thought got my mind moving a bit. I wanted to grasp on to it with both hands.

On the topic of love and the things we do for it.

The things we do for love, the things we do for love

Like walking in the rain and the snow
When there’s nowhere to go
And you’re feelin’ like a part of you is dying
And you’re looking for the answer in her eyes
You think you’re gonna break up
Then she says she wants to make up

Ooh you made me love you
Ooh you’ve got a way
Ooh you had me crawling up the wall

I’m sure someone will reference 10cc, but I can’t think about the topic without that song coming to mind.

To be honest, I don’t have much experience with love or making bad decisions because of it. I was sheltered well into my young adult years. Partly because of religious conservatism and partly because no one was every interested in me. There were no real opportunities to fall in love with someone in order to make bad choices. After that point I had some encounters where I could feel myself falling for a lover or two, but those never lasted long enough for me to do anything I regretted. Oh, I’ve slept with strangers and made a choice or two I could say I regret, but never once would I say it was a thing I did for love.

I realized though that I have a very complicated relationship with love. My family is very close. Loss has made us so. The hard thing is my nature makes me dependable to a fault and a overbearing mother can be a true complication at times.

Love has been used as a weapon against me.

“If you loved me you’d…” Many a decision I’d made or wanted to make was altered because it wasn’t what was expected. I couldn’t go to this college or do this thing. When things turned into an all out war over something I’ve done (because I’m a fucking adult/was an adult at the time), I struggled not to buckle under the manipulation. And after? “well, I only act this way because I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt.”

I’ve heard those things many times over my life with my family. Love can be manipulative. Love is done to maneuver people into the places you want them to be in. I’ve not done a lot of things I’ve wanted to because of love. Much bad behavior has been justified with I love you. I have times now well into my 30s where I don’t know if I’m making the right choice because what if it upsets someone? What emotional maelstrom where I have to navigate if it’s a choice someone doesn’t like? I love and care very deeply for my family, but there have been moments where I’ve lost total trust in love. Love asks too much and isn’t stable when you need it to be.

I’ve had good times with love. Laughter and good sex and happiness, but overall I’ve had too many moments where love has been a fucking storm. Big, angry, demanding, and “I only act this way because I love you.”

So what would I do for love that I probably shouldn’t? Sacrifice my mental health and the things I want to make others happy. All for love it seems.