I’ve always struggled with feeling like I don’t deserve things.
Relationships, nice things, happiness, love… I don’t know if I deserve those things. When those are things easily taken away, or have been taken away, so I must not be worthy of those things.
It makes me think about how privilege plays a role in how deserving I feel. Ingrained attitudes about my worth. Others are good at seizing on the things they deserve whether they’ve earned them or not. It’s a cause for wondering, isn’t it?
I’ve never thought I was a bad person. Even when I felt I was “close to God”, I never felt I was one of those people who got good things no matter how much I prayed. It was what it was.
I’m not sure when that began. When I lost my father, when I had a series of changes precipitated by that loss, when I lost a bit of my innocence, when I simply felt overlooked when it came to love. Other people got married, had kids, and lived happily ever after. I just didn’t.
Part of me is just used to hearing the word “no”. I can’t stay over at my friends, I can’t go to that place because it’s not safe. and so on. Other people could, but I couldn’t. It has taken a long time to convince myself that I can do and have those things.
When it comes to acknowledging my accomplishments, that’s another thing I struggle with as well. Feeling like I earned praise. It’s taken me a long time to even recognize that I’m to that point in my career where I know things and should be seen as a source of knowledge.
As for love and relationships, I’m learning that do deserve those things. I do deserve to be loved and missed. That second bit, being missed, has always confounded me. I’ve never understood why someone would miss me. What is there to miss? I’m learning and embracing the truth that I am lovable and therefore someone to be missed. It’s required me to look into myself and see that there are things that are lovable.
I am deserving.