Thinking through a block

I’ve always considered writing more than a hobby. It’s my form of communicating because often I feel like I’m not a good communicator. The other part is I can’t seem to say how I feel or what I’m feeling out loud well. When I write it out, it makes sense.

For the longest time, because I’ve written so much stuff out, I always said that if I’m not writing something is wrong. Life seems a little out of wack when I’m not blogging regularly, or journaling in some form.

I haven’t written much lately (for some reason writing that triggered tears and I don’t know why) and part of me is terribly worried about why that is.

It’s the equivalent to good mental health for me. Less writing = poot mental health. Because if I’m not communicating through written words, something is up. If I’m not writing, am I even thinking clearly?

It’s in other areas too. I’ve been grumpy lately and have found work to be an absolute struggle. I can’t seem to reengage my brain like normal and it’s bothering me.

This strange feeling of writer’s block hit 4 weeks ago right around the start of round 6 of Smut Marathon. I was worried how it would impact that, but was more concerned with how it would affect my regular writing.

I’ve written 4 stories in the last month, which seems fine until I see that I wrote 9-10 stories the previous 4 weeks. These 4 were all I could get to bob to the top when inspiration struck, however briefly. I’ve started sooo many stories that I’ve abandoned to the draft pile. So much waste and no product.

I can typically power through, but I’ve been struggling. I feel like that was reflected in my Smut Marathon piece.

Historically, I dread every round with a heavy dose of anxiety thrown in. The prompt didn’t get me revved and I just fell flat maybe? It was noted I may have crammed stuff in or tried too hard. Who knows, but ultimately I wasn’t successful.

Competition has an interesting effect on me. I’m highly competitive and need to be the best or better, but don’t see myself as the best or ever being the best. I’m waiting on the confirmation that I am indeed not really all that good. I don’t just do this in writing, but in other areas of my life. I need validation, but I don’t always accept it and a mess up reinforces how inadequate I feel. I have to work harder and harder to do better, to get the validation, even though I know I won’t accept it when I do get it.

For some odd reason, I took this round hard. Maybe as a confirmation about my writing or not being able to do this or something. I saw the writing on the wall and it wasn’t pretty.

It just all culminated with me feeling low about things. Not being sure where my head is about Smut Marathon and my writing in general means I haven’t hopped on starting my draft like I normally do. I’m actually making myself wait a week to look at the assignment. I really need the distance and hope some of my feelings settle.

The hard part is it’s all elimination going forward in the competition. I don’t have the points system safety net. It’s not that I don’t give everything when I write, but knowing I could be bumped out sits like a distraction in my mind. I’m making it more then it is or should be, and maybe that’s why my writing is suffering, but I can’t help it.

I don’t know how to just write right now and I’m hoping it doesn’t mean I don’t come up with anything at all.

As for the emotional aspect? I was hoping I’d be more confident or easy going, but I’m not there yet. I keep hoping the tone of my post-round thoughts would be more positive, but that hasn’t happened yet.

I’m a little blocked. Hopefully I recover from it.

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Post script: My post just stopped right there. I didn’t have any solutions for the block, just babbling on about how I wasn’t writing.

Daddy is a very helpful man and after some conversation offered a solution, of sorts.

I’m on a five day writing stoppage. Sounds easy since I’m struggling to come up with ideas anyway, except I’m not allowed to write any blog posts. At all. Something about the full stop made me a little pouty.

Over the last couple weeks, I’ve tried to write a few things without success or completion of a story, but this is no writing at all. If an idea strikes, I’m to tell him.

Maybe a full stop will help. Damming up the flow completely may bring back the inspiration I’m missing. Fingers crossed?