So I had a bit of a dip yesterday and wanted to talk through it. I couldn’t quite figure out what my problem was, but knew it was related to my writing in some form or another.
We’ve already discussed my issues with jealousy and my fluctuating insecurities about my writing.
Yesterday, I was battling this creeping sense of invisibility. I’ve been down this road before, deep in this feeling that I’m posting things and no one is seeing it. Not seeing me.
I know this isn’t true, but it persists. Not an imposter syndrome so much as this feeling that I’m not making a dent in the area I’m circulating in. It’s this almost panicky sensation of waving your hands around, jumping up and down to get noticed, and nothing changing.
Again not true. In fact, if I look at my stats, I can see a definite uptick in my views (As an aside, May 6th was my one year self-hosting anniversary 🎉). People are coming, seeing, and leaving comments when they feel led.
I’ve put my stuff out and in more places, such as this post I did for Girl on the Net recently on being “little” or for Godemiche. I’ve also gotten more involved in memes such as Sinful Sunday, Wicked Wednesday, and Kink of the Week. These are all things that bring more visibility.
Another point is not everyone is interested in what I write or say here. That’s not a bad thing, it’s a fact of life. There are things that bother people or ideas they aren’t keen on that are discussed here. Storylines that don’t interest everyone. All those things are okay, and objectively I’m aware and fine with this. For the same reason I’m not interested in every blog or story or post I read, people are allowed to feel the same way about me and this space.
So I have to step back. Perhaps make it less about my visibility and more about pushing others up so they’re visible. I know there are others who feel a bit invisible too for whatever reason.
This is a great place to segue into a #SoSS post, right? Unfortunately, I’m shit at keeping track of the posts I like lately. Perhaps a few blogs I feel could use love?
The hard part is there are so many people who need to feel like others see them and I only list a few.
That feeling of invisibility shouldn’t be ignored. We can combat it with things like #SoSS, admitting that the feelings exist, submitting our work instead of letting the feelings push us to quit, etc.
I know this will creep back up. I’ll have trouble with this in the future because my mind will struggle to see where I’m doing well. I’ll struggle with feeling everyone else is doing well. I’ll struggle even if I succeed in writing on whatever level I deem is the pinnacle.
Everything takes time and effort to overcome or comes to grip with. It shouldn’t stop me from putting myself out there or trying.
Sometimes the efforts reap things. Sometimes all I get is the joy of making someone squirm and a cup of coffee, which is good enough for me
Ah, THAT feeling!
I feel it too, from time to time. Since I went fully private because of my ex scaring me, I miss the interactions with other bloggers.
I am not writing as regularly, and nothing very sexy lately (I don’t feel very sexy, my libido is playing tricks on me and I’ve got too much going on in my life). And some of my readers feel the same way, so… I get less views, less comments, and feel less good
I feel for you. The thing is, some of your writing bothers me (rape fantasies, violence, lack of respect, or what I view as such), but you write in a way that, even if I’m bothered, I still want to read because you make me think, question why I feel in such a way and so on…
Keep writing for you. And eventually it will happen, that more and more people find you
I know my blog and every post can feel a certain way to every person. I also know people won’t read for very personal reasons. I don’t fault anyone for that decisions or the feelings they have toward what I write.
I’ve noticed you’re blogging less. You’ve got to do what’s best for you ultimately. In what you blog, in how often, and what you show.
Writing is all I know at times. I feel like I’ll disappear if I don’t.
I go through this in waves. Promo and social media and blogging requires emotional labor that isn’t highly rewarded. It can be lonely and disheartening.
This is work. Don’t forget self-care.
It’s important to talk about it so you can keep going. I try to talk about it with DomSigns when it gets to be too much
I compare myself to others who are ‘so much better’ too. I have never really thought of myself as a writer so maybe that makes it easier and I started my blog to learn and reflect and hopefully write something which would help others. I guess it would appeal to a specific group. I think that because you write a much bigger range of pieces you will find different people read different posts. You also write a lot so I can see you might feel some gets missed. Some people are very good at the publicity part I think and others find that harder but you are an excellent writer and are also versatile in that you write what is erotic, what is personal and also what it creative and imaginative. You also have a personality which connects with others through the comments and tweets that you post too. I think that social media is a great medium but the downside is that it can lead very easily to false comparisons of what and who is successful. It sounds like you are able to measure yourself against what is real to you and that is the important thing.
If you write, you’re a writer. Especially if you do it regularly, which you do.
Honestly, I’m just trying to keep a little perspective on it because my emotional and my mind can get the better of me very quickly. Thank you for your comment
YES! If you write, you’re a writer. I had a hard time with that one at first, but… once I accepted it, it emboldened me to try things I would never have tried before.
If it makes you feel good… keep writing. That’s the only comparison you should measure yourself against.
Thanks for the mention, it’s true I do feel invisible at least some of the time. But then it brings me back to the reason I started and the fact this isn’t my whole entire life. This morning G was reminding me of posts I had written at the beginning of our relationship and how much I have grown and changed in that time. Which then reminds me that was I do and say is fine.
I love your blog and read most of what you write even if I don’t always comment. I think you are a skilled writer and it is blogs like yours that are helping with my own development during the smut marathon thing. Keep going, you’re doing a wonderful job. xx
I think as long as you remember why you’re doing this, it doesn’t get too bad. I struggle to remember that blogging is how I get my thoughts out and express myself. I figured a refocus would help calm some of those feelings. Thanks for your comment
Yes to that too. Your blog is how you express yourself, so… focus on that! 🙂
I know I feel this way at times too. I love writing, and I love sharing my stories – but I most often feel that my writing isn’t as good as everybody else’s. That coupled with work stress right now has me posting less (which brings my stats down) which fuels my inner critic.
Talking about our feelings is a great idea. I’m trying to be more aware of my emotional state, so I appreciate this conversation. And thanks for the mention
It’s a struggle not to just stop writing, but my writing keeps me going so even when I’m ready to quit I can’t. I love your stuff. I try to get over to your blog when I see a post because I enjoy your stories. Keep going!
I am so sorry that you and others feel like this at times, and I hope that I can at least do a tiny bit not to make you feel like this too much. I read your blog regularly and that of Lucy and Julie and Brigit and a lot of others too. I follow by email and leave it in my mail until I have time to read and respond.
Please, just keep on writing, because I do follow your blog with great pleasure!
Oh Rebel! This wasn’t directed at anyone in particular. Just a feeling. You are always so good are commenting and I appreciate that fact from you. I try to get over to your space and return the favor. Don’t feel pressured to go to everyone’s blog. You read what suits you my friend
Pingback: Protection & Symmetry #SoSS #27 - Rebel's Notes