It seems that in spite of my forays into my sexual exploration, in many ways I’m still pretty repressed.
There are still certain things I’m hesitant to do because a small part of me thinks it’s still wrong to engage in those acts. I’ll not list the things I feel prudish about mostly because I can’t say I’ll never do them just that at this point in my life something stops me. Maybe I’ll never let go of that though and that’s okay too.
In other news, I’m still battling my pessimistic nature. It’s a epic battle.
I spent the night with this new gent. Suddenly staying over is easier the more I do it. It’s less of an issue because I’ve conquered the initial mindset that made it a big deal (part of my prudishness). I’m a shitty sleeper under normal circumstances, being in someone else’s bed is ten times worse. There is something to be said about waking up to a warm body beside you and being able to touch and be touched at will.
He’s good company. Just funny and playful. We have similarities when it comes to sex and life, which made spending the night really funny. I can say I did enjoy another spanking from him AND got to spend time on some very delicious morning wood. Meow.
It was also just nice to have someone to talk to and laugh with for a bit. To be able to just touch someone and satisfy my need to give out physical affection. With my mouth, my hands, my body. Meeeoooww. 😉
Except… In the light of day my thought was I have no expectation that he’ll want to get together again. This is where I’m a hardcore pessimist. Just because we did x,y, and z together doesn’t mean he wants to do that all again.
Bug chastised me when I mentioned that I was unsure that he’d want to see me again. She said I needed to change my self-talk to more a positive one. Believe that I’m interesting enough or whatever method will work.
I want to! But that shit is hard because the truth is no one sticks around. I push people away one way or the other, and everyone leaves. I don’t know how to be optimistic any more than I know how to get attached to some people.
That’s just me I suppose. It’s the reason “seek therapy” is on my (soon to be completed) 30 before 30 list.
Mm, now I’m hungry for more morning wood and there’s none available to me. Damn. Guess I’ll go shopping instead.
For somebody who claims to be pretty repressed you are doing a great job of confronting your limitations and inhibitions:-)
May I invite you to step back to when you started this blog 8 months ago and survey your attitudes at that time? Even as a blog reader I can see huge changes in you, things you could only write about back then. Now you are able to find, seduce and enjoy lovers, you revel in certain intimate acts, you are a spanking addict, have explored your exhibitionist streak with beautiful photos. And, maybe most of all, you are able to move on from unsatisfactory or failed relationships and not let them poison your outlook to new possibilities.
Quite the libertine, if you ask me:-)
Another brilliantly insightful comment from Nick. He needs to whisper in our ears when we have these moments.
He’s pretty smart.
You beautiful ladies are too kind to me. I just comment, I don’t risk anything. Cara is the one out there baring her soul and showing her fears to us with her wonderfully crafted posts.
Cara, I am pleased that you are turning out to be such a fun and adventurous person. Even if you don’t think you are:-)
I’m trying to be fun if nothing else. Fun in a safe, sane way at least. I’m glad for your advice, Nick
Not everyone sees as clearly, even if they’re not risking anything. Take the compliment, Nick, like you’re asking her to.
And I love your comments, too:-)
The day you comment on my blog, I’ll know I’ve arrived.
And the razor sharp wit.
I wish I were trying to be witty. I’m envious of the ladies who receive your insights.
Note to self: Catch up on her blog and Comment@Anisa
I encourage this decision.
Lol. I feel like I’m crazier on many ways. Or maybe paranoid is a better way to say it. It’s like I’m so in my head I can’t see half the time. I don’t feel that different half the time.
Exactly what Nick said.
I think you are so introspective that as you accomplish your inner goals there is just going to be more goals, and even though it seems like progress is slow it really isn’t you are just becoming a better and better person.
I’m hoping that hindsight kicks in soon. Maybe things will appear different to me when I look back.
Nick was spot on. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I agree with Bug on you self-talk. It makes a big difference over time.
It does, but I’m struggling to implement it.
Things takes time, Just practice being optimistic and having faith. Things will progress more
It doesn’t hurt to have enough confidence to be the one to initiate the next contact. I used to get discouraged as a guy when women never showed any “interest” in reconnecting after a date and left it always up to me. As it became the 3rd, 4th, 5th time I initiated something without any reciprocity, it always made me wonder if I was keeping the relationship alive longer than she wanted.
I never want to continue on with something if the other person isn’t interested. I only initiate once and if they aren’t receptive, I don’t try again.
It’s quite a conundrum! Your need and fear are longtime arch enemies, the bastards! I’m glad you got some morning wood, though! (Is that too crass to say? lol)
I’m not sure anything having to do with morning wood is crass.
They’ve been enemies for a long time and I don’t see that changing.
Ditto to what everyone has written here. 🙂