What I Mean Is

I’m scared.
Of commitment
Me, who longs for love
Will run, will run
The moment I think
It’s found me

“You’re distant today. What happened between dinner at your apartment last night and this morning?”

He’s too damn observant, noticing what I didn’t realize was even present. I battle inadequacy, a worry I’m not ready to talk about, and my need to be as close as I can to him.

We’ve spent many days together, but in my mind I’m not ready to call it anything other than a regular thing. He’s made me breakfast, lunch, and met my best friend. All ready… Isn’t it too soon for that? Isn’t it?

I love that he snuggles with me, I love that his hands seem to run along my body as though he enjoys the feel of me, I love that he can’t seem to get enough if me. He holds me and lets me be playful, he lets me lean against him and kiss his neck, and he holds my hand in public. I’m not getting carried away but I like him a great deal.

But I feel like I’m not what he needs. I don’t enjoy many of the things he does nor do I possess boundless energy. Have I done enough in my life to keep him interested in me? At what point will he decide my warmth and affectionate nature aren’t enough? Or that my soft curves are too much? At what point will he decide to walk on?

I’m a pessimist.
I’m scared of commitment
I start distancing instantly
I’m waiting for him to go

*
I bend over to retrieve my clean clothes from his bedroom floor. We’ve just returned from the gym and I’m about to shower. He’s behind me in an instant, pushing my pants to my thighs and parting my ass to gaze at my pussy. I stay just like that, bent at the waist, loving his touch.

“Just for a little bit. I can’t resist.”

He lifts me up, holding my body against his as he moves us to the bed. My thoughts of showering shift to the background as he props me on all fours, pushes down his own pants, and thrusts into me. I’m sore, but I want to feel him moving inside me. I thrust back as his hand finds its way to my clit.

I’ve kissed him so many times, I’ve enjoyed his arms around me, but even in the midst of sex that feels this good I’m scared.

The what ifs hop up and even as I moan with every thrust I ask him to stop. This is only after he’s flipped me on my back and taken me like that for long minutes. It’s hard because my body is treacherous and wants. More than that, he holds me close, playfully kissing my lips, and that’s more dangerous than the sex.

I don’t know what I want or what this is I have with him. Going with the flow is hard and I’m looking for reasons for him to dismiss me. Let’s not even bring in the other things that typically plague me on a normal day, like guilt.

Struggling to enjoy this good thing, to not sabotage, qualify it, or let fear overwhelm me. I want to just enjoy.

Comments

  1. Nick

    Stop thinking about it. Just stop.
    People who are intelligent but have never had these things before find it very hard to just ‘be’.
    He likes you. He enjoys you. He wants your company, your body. Don’t find all the reasons in your head not to let that happen. Just…do it.
    And yes, you are good enough.

  2. goldbean92

    I think you should not be afraid and try your best to not be pessimist because you might lose a guy that could be your soulmate/true love. Try to relax, find a place that you find comfort and make your decision when your ready. If anything try doing therapy and if you have anything on your mind, you can talk to and anyone here. I wish you the best and I hope my advice helps you a little.

  3. G

    I certainly feel you! Even as a married woman who is supposed to have gotten over those fears because I have a ring on my finger. At the root of it, I don’t trust that I’m lovable enough. Probably goes back to lack of affection growing up…which is scary because when you have kids and know such things about your childhood it just adds the pressure to be a good parent and stop that cycle. Anyway, if I could even offer my advice, it would be this: Enjoy him in the moment, enjoy the moment. Don’t put an invisible ring on either of your fingers, because sure, you may find that HE isn’t your Mr. Right and your worries about how he feels about you were a waste of your precious happy getting-to-know-you time.
    Easier said than done, I know. And probably that fear is what keeps things fresh and exciting.

  4. Kayla Lords

    Talk to him! Think about what drew him to you in the first place. You were plain-spoken in that ad. That means you can be relatively plain-spoken now. You don’t have to tell him about every demon you’ve got but you can admit to a certain amount of fear.

  5. Hubman (@hubman38)

    All of our advice is easier said that done, I realize that. Still, I need to say, just enjoy your time with him. You are who you are and he obviously likes you a lot, just go with the flow and see what happens. Since when did something productive come from worrying?

  6. Not As Innocent as They Think

    Cara- Just enjoy tour time with him, guilt and worry free, and see where it goes. Have fun and enjoy, and if it goes nowhere, so be it..at least you had fun. ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. Hyacinth

    I second everyone’s kind, supportive words here. As everyone has been telling me for months: just enjoy the moment. If you’re anxious about the future, you ruin what’s happening right now. All that “mindfulness” crap and such ๐Ÿ™‚

    Good luck, Cara. It sounds wonderful.

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