I struggle with jealousy.
No, not that kind of jealous.
You’d think it would be, right? I’m currently in a D/s relationship with a man who’s married. Add to that the aspect of it being a long distance relationship where I’m obviously not there as often as I’d like. Recipe for jealousy? Not so much.
Jealous feelings are surprisingly quiet when it comes to that relationship. I thought I’d struggle with it because I’m not the center of things. I’ve been a little jealous when my friends have gotten other friends, but once I met the friends (of my friends) that disappears. It’s more the fact that I’m bad at making friends on my own. Another post all together perhaps.
If I dive deeper, there may be elements that lessen the likelihood of me being jealous. I’m not the primary partner so me being jealous seems silly. Also, TheDaddy™️ (sorry it makes me chuckle to call Michael that sometimes) is so incredibly good at being emotionally available. When I’m there I don’t feel the odd kitten out or like I can’t get what I need when I ask. It’s the one area I don’t feel like I’m competing because I get what I need. There’s nothing to be jealous of in my relationship with him.
But when it comes to my writing or other areas of my life? I’m a jealous witch.
This realization has been creeping up lately. This inability to concentrate on my own achievements because I’m too busy being jealous of everyone else’s.
Why am I not doing as well when I’ve been writing so long? Why am I not successful? Why am I not getting comments? Attention? Why did my submission get rejected? Why why why?
I want to be better, do better, be further than I am. I see and I compare, and I stew in the ways I’m found wanting. Suddenly I’m not good enough and it eats me up.
My issues with being jealous of others achievements came up on twitter. It sparked a good conversation from a lot of people. It also turned into a conversation with TheDaddy™️.
Measuring myself against others breeds dissatisfaction in myself. I should be thinking of and focusing on goals I want to achieve. It also speaks to my struggles with thinking of myself as a writer. More accurately, as a good writer.
I was not affirmed much through life, that lack of reassurance translating into confidence issues. It means I think everyone does it better. It means I struggle to promote because I have to work through the false thinking that I’m not good enough.
I do it in my job and I’ve done it in my love life. Because I’m not (xyz) I’m not enough.
It’s not true.
I started a Buy Me A Coffee account. That sparked some of my issues. Asking people to support me with something little as the price of coffee. Daddy reminded me that I started with nothing. A cup of coffee bought is a compliment just as a comment someone leaves is a compliment. I’m learning to be okay with someone saying my writing is excellent instead of brushing it off. I’m telling them they’re a liar when I can’t receive it for the encouragement it is.
The coffee is another way to say my content is appreciated. I’ll still be writing, creating, and posting. Turning my mind around to that, me still creating and allowing people to compliment that, will help me stop looking at it as “begging for money”. It’s another form of appreciation.
I’m a good writer. I’ll have to say it over and over until it sticks.
So I do get jealous, but I’m learning how to overcome that. The start is having a goal to focus on.
A couple goals for the next month:
Find one new publication to submit a piece of work.
One promotion tweet a week
Compliment someone else on their work (It isn’t only me that feels like this)
Here’s a stab at one of my goals – If you like the content I’ve put up here, would you consider clicking the link and buying me a coffee?
I’m going to try to refocus, but wanted to be honest with myself (and you). This is an issue for me. Maybe someone else too? It’s easy to compare, but I’m striving to remember it’s about doing better than I’m doing currently.
(For the spanking I’m sure I would’ve gotten if I would’ve been near Daddy)