I just finished writing a story that I’m debating about posting because of its content. It’s erotic, yes, but it also contains elements such as non-consent, hate, force, and racial slurs.
As in much of my writing, I put things in that I need to sort out mentally. Sometimes those things slip in without me realizing, other times it’s a conscious act on my part. Those particular topics are ones that I sought to actively write about. Why? Because they elicit a fear response in me.
The story itself came about after I stumbled upon someone’s Tumblr/blog about their love of skinheads (or what I assumed was that). I was equal parts repulsed and attracted. Their ideals are repulsive and scare the crap out of me, but physically many of the pictures were of very attractive men. Broad shoulders, big chests, gorgeous features.
Yuck. Where’s the off switch for attraction? I mean, someone’s ideals should immediately make them unattractive. It doesn’t work that way though.
I’m shallow.
That’s a simple way to say it. My body reacts not to your ideals, but to the way your body moves and the flex of your muscles and the handsomeness of your face. Primitive in some ways.
But I’ve been on the receiving end of hate and parts of me fear certain men because of it. I don’t care what color skin a guy has because I’m not concerned with that, but worry the color of my skin will be a turn off.
I guess I wanted to write about hate, eroticize hate and brutality because I’ve felt both at certain points in my life. Writing is a form of creative therapy for me and fear is an emotion I’m too familiar with.
The question is whether those harder stories are worth offering for viewer consumption. I’ve explained the feelings and motive behind the story, but posting it for reading is different.
It means I’m vulnerable.
Is it more than a story? Is it a fantasy? I’m asking too many questions of myself as usual. And I still don’t know if I’m posting it.