This will come as a surprise to approximately no one, but I have image issues. Nothing brings that to the fore more readily than dating.
You’d think being in my thirties would make me much more secure in what I look like, but the truth is I struggle with it. Half the time I don’t think I’m very attractive. At all. I’m lazy with my appearance so when someone goes on about how hot I am, I don’t always trust their words.
This makes dating a challenge. I’ve got some deep seated issues related to worth that always crop up when I have a successful date. Will they want to see me again? Am I appealing enough to keep them around? I wish I could tolerate putting on makeup… It’s a jungle in my head, folks.
I’ve had a couple of really good dates with a guy recently and I’ve had to start confronting those worth issues. I expect people to bail on me, I expect people to lie and avoid me, I expect people to not think I’m worth spending time with, I expect guys to only want to sleep with me and not get to know me beyond sex.
It’s weird to come away liking someone so deeply after a few dates. It’s also hard not to let past experiences color things. To not wait for the other shoe to drop. I’ve always found the getting to know you stage terrible. Let’s skip to a year from now when I’m more comfortable, can we?
My best friend has had to slap me around a bit. She reminded me that if someone doesn’t take me as I am than that’s on them. She also reminded me that I can’t judge the current person by how someone else has treated me in the past. What I’m learning is I need to stop saying I’m not worth it and let things be as they are.
Trust is a delicate thing for me. I don’t know how to give it because I’m so easily hurt. I expect to be let down so it’s a struggle to change that mindset.
But I desperately want to.
My gut tells me this could be something nice, if I let it. Something good for me in a number of ways. The hard part will be telling my pessimistic attitude to take a hike. I’m my own worst enemy/critic/hater.
Here’s to being a little less insecure and some good sex. 😉