It’s hard to just talk on here.
I do occasionally because I know it offers you an opportunity to connect with me, but I never feel I have anything worth saying. Because my life is so damn boring…
Case in point, I haven’t had a date since November. There are a host of reasons for that. It’s not that I don’t think I’m attractive (sometimes I think it is, but I’m aware enough of myself to know that’s not necessarily true), it’s that I’ve developed almost an aversion to dating.
So I went on a date yesterday, ending my dry spell. Up until he called me (5 minutes before we planned to meet) I’d considered bailing. I realized today that I’m over meeting up with guys, trying to see if we connect, and hoping against hope that THIS one is who can tolerate me enough to spend time together on a regular basis.
That shit gets old.
I’m at the age where I’m stable enough to get married, but I find I no longer want to go there. The thought freaks me out anymore in all honesty. I don’t feel I’m equipped to wade the waters of dating even for the reward of sex or for the possibility of meeting someone who could get past my reticence when it comes to relationships. There doesn’t seem to be a guy in my vicinity capable of it frankly.
Is there merit to remaining single? Definitely less complicated. I’ll figure the sex thing out in time.
Another funny thing is I still battle shame in my life. A coworker asked what I was reading and when I off handedly said smut she said she was disappointed in me. Shame immediately slammed me and it upset me that I was bothered by what said to me.
I have too many emotions simmering inside of me. Like a bomb about to explode all over anyone. Really, I’d rather spare a significant other that so I don’t have to explain where it comes from.
I’m doing my potential significant other a favor. I’m thoughtful like that.