I’m scared.
Of commitment
Me, who longs for love
Will run, will run
The moment I think
It’s found me
—
“You’re distant today. What happened between dinner at your apartment last night and this morning?”
He’s too damn observant, noticing what I didn’t realize was even present. I battle inadequacy, a worry I’m not ready to talk about, and my need to be as close as I can to him.
We’ve spent many days together, but in my mind I’m not ready to call it anything other than a regular thing. He’s made me breakfast, lunch, and met my best friend. All ready… Isn’t it too soon for that? Isn’t it?
I love that he snuggles with me, I love that his hands seem to run along my body as though he enjoys the feel of me, I love that he can’t seem to get enough if me. He holds me and lets me be playful, he lets me lean against him and kiss his neck, and he holds my hand in public. I’m not getting carried away but I like him a great deal.
But I feel like I’m not what he needs. I don’t enjoy many of the things he does nor do I possess boundless energy. Have I done enough in my life to keep him interested in me? At what point will he decide my warmth and affectionate nature aren’t enough? Or that my soft curves are too much? At what point will he decide to walk on?
I’m a pessimist.
I’m scared of commitment
I start distancing instantly
I’m waiting for him to go
*
I bend over to retrieve my clean clothes from his bedroom floor. We’ve just returned from the gym and I’m about to shower. He’s behind me in an instant, pushing my pants to my thighs and parting my ass to gaze at my pussy. I stay just like that, bent at the waist, loving his touch.
“Just for a little bit. I can’t resist.”
He lifts me up, holding my body against his as he moves us to the bed. My thoughts of showering shift to the background as he props me on all fours, pushes down his own pants, and thrusts into me. I’m sore, but I want to feel him moving inside me. I thrust back as his hand finds its way to my clit.
I’ve kissed him so many times, I’ve enjoyed his arms around me, but even in the midst of sex that feels this good I’m scared.
The what ifs hop up and even as I moan with every thrust I ask him to stop. This is only after he’s flipped me on my back and taken me like that for long minutes. It’s hard because my body is treacherous and wants. More than that, he holds me close, playfully kissing my lips, and that’s more dangerous than the sex.
I don’t know what I want or what this is I have with him. Going with the flow is hard and I’m looking for reasons for him to dismiss me. Let’s not even bring in the other things that typically plague me on a normal day, like guilt.
Struggling to enjoy this good thing, to not sabotage, qualify it, or let fear overwhelm me. I want to just enjoy.