Exhausted, but wanted to write this incoherent gibberish before I crashed hard from a few days with so little sleep.
“Explore your sexuality, but don’t lose your ideals.”
I’d planned to tell you about my date(s). Had every intention of it because I enjoy sharing myself with everyone and writing helps me process. Except… After last night I’m reluctant to say too much.
Dinner was great that first time. What started kinda iffy ended up being the best conversation date. And last night was fun. The stuff I write stories about, but the best part is we spent time talking. We actually spent hours and hours talking.
I like him, but know I’m only getting fun and experience out of this. He’s hoping to move closer to his family in the next two months (they’re in another country) and he just got out of a long term relationship. He’d be the type that I could see myself being with long term, but I can’t have that from him.
What I can get is adventure. A ride on his motorcycle, a trip to the strip club, a nude beach (if I can talk him into it).
Still I’m hesitant to expose my experiences. Maybe because it feels too good and I want to keep it to myself? Maybe I’m exploring parts of me that are a bit too fragile for close examination? Maybe I don’t understand this enough yet?
I want to maintain myself while still exploring outside my usual comfort zone. I want fun with him for however long I have him. If I end up with a broken heart, it’s no one’s fault except my own. I’m too damn passionate for my own good, I make stupid choices, and I let myself live in the moment.
But I still want this and him more than anything.