Currently at work about to start that 12 (11 now) hour routine.
It’s a holiday, not the point of this post, but it’s worth saying Happy 4th to my fellow Americans.
I’ve been thinking, considering things over the last few days. One strange topic that’s been floating in my mind is my femininity. After that shoot a couple of weeks ago, I’ve been reminded of my level of sexiness. I understand that my body in certain clothes, posed a certain way, looking coyly at the camera makes me look sexy. I can look in a mirror and acknowledge how good my parts look out together. There are days where I just don’t feel very feminine though. I’m low key to the point of laziness and many times don’t feel I garner a second look from guys.
I feel pretty damn mannish sometimes. In my thinking and my actions.
Maybe it comes from not ever being made to feel like a woman from anyone. Most of my interactions with guys have either been me being ignored or getting too much attention. There is no happy middle.
That’s probably why I decided to do those pictures, why I’m planning on doing more, why certain aspects of D/s appeals. I want someone to bring out that feminine feeling in me.
Make me feel like a woman…
The other thing occupying my mind is my writing. It’s time for my monthly moment of doubt. Though it’s feeling longer than a moment to me
In many ways I feel like writing is the best, most therapeutic thing in the world. But I’m not serious enough to tackle it head on. I’m not able to say what needs to be said to make people clamor to buy my stories. I don’t know how to ask for support and it’s frustrating.
Is my writing good enough? Sure. Am I intense enough to push it to the masses? Nope.
This is just fun. Self-pubbing a story occasionally, posting stories to sites and e-zines, writing out my fantasies… That’ll continue, but the stressing, begging, frustration ends. I’ll lower my expectations of myself and move at a more realistic pace, or I’ll just stop trying to publish all together.
Cara isn’t cut out for it right now. She’ll just write what makes her happy. You can read if you have time.