What a way to start, but an apt one considering I’m undertaking a month-long challenge.
Anxiety is a friend of mine. It has its roots in trauma, childhood trauma specifically, but we’ve all had some form of it or another.
My anxiety has never been clinically diagnosed, but my family and friends are well aware of the ways it manifests in my life. It’s sent me spiraling into a depressive state in the past which had me contemplating choices I’d never thought I would.
Worst case scenarios where everything could go wrong. I’ve worked myself into such an obsessive state because of worry and anxiety.
Any mistake could lead to hours of thoughts that circle round and round like vultures. Seeking reassurance from friends and family that things will in fact be just fine. It’s my mother’s constant refrain when I mention that I’m worried about something.
“Things will be fine. You worry too much.”
But what if they aren’t?
The lament of the anxious. The constant struggle to beat back the irrational fear that lives in my head can be interesting.
The anxiety can encompass all aspects of my life. Work, my love life, my family, my interactions with others, every mistake I make or have made in the past, nothing is safe from the clawing grip of anxiety.
I’m thankful for the people on my life who tolerate me when I’m like this. Tolerate… I can’t help using that word, but that’s how it feels. It can be exasperating to constantly reassure someone that things will be okay.
Science and studies talk about the deleterious effects it can have on the body. The constant high cortisol levels bathing your organs. The constant fight or flight response. It’s a surprise I haven’t keeled over.
In reflecting on things, I’m looking at ways self-pleasure could mitigate my anxiety.
Ah, but there’s my catch 22. My anxiety plays such tricks on me that I worry about orgasming. The worry that I won’t come can make trying to stressful which increases the likelihood that I won’t come. Add in my iud-artificial hormone-induced low libido and we have a winner.
Tabitha’s challenge (#30DayOrgasmFun) is more about mindfulness. Or it will be for me. Not about coming, which takes the pressure off. I’m probably not going to chronicle all my attempts this month, but I want to see how it affects my mind/mood/outlook.
So far, I’ve had a go with the Doxy. Well, a nice man used the Doxy on me. Even with the irritations plaguing me, I’m feeling fairly chill. May it hold, but may I also remember the purpose.
Here we are with two challenges in one. You’ll get a little smut, plenty of mental health checks, a little mindful masturbation, and something from A to Z.
