Deep Breath
*inhale*
Aaah
It’s done. The questions, anticipation, excitement has all found an outlet. This is where I start the beginning processes for digesting what I’ve learned. I say only the beginning because learning takes times. So let me just give my knee jerk lessons.
1. I’m Happy
One of the things I was most looking forward to was meeting people I’ve “known” for a long ass time. There are people I’ve either followed for ages, adored the moment I started reading their blog, or admired for their (professional and online) writing skills.
This community, these people, were/are EXACTLY what I’d hoped they’d be when I met them. Funny, exciting, lovely, prolific, energetic, introverted (or extremely extroverted) people. They affirmed everything I read and reminded me many of us are real. We’re pouring out our everything on our blogs or on twitter, and who we are is coming across crystal clear. I just got a little teary being able to hug, and listen to, and fall a little in love with people who I’ve connected with online.
You, my online community, are special to me and I was happy to meet you. Know and believe, I will fight for you.
2. I’m Excited
I learned a lot about myself. No, I don’t know what I’m doing with my blog yet, but I feel like I learned a lot of things about getting on the path to that understanding. I feel like I’m on the way toward doing things I was too scared to do years ago, and keep doing the things that I’m unsure about doing.
I’m also excited to come back next year. To learn more, to see people again, and to see where I’ve come in that time. I hope I’ve come far by then.
3. I’m Scared
Weird to say this, but I’m also petrified. I’m realizing I’m scared to write some things.
Fiction is my niche, but people say they enjoy when I write non-fiction. I’m scared of writing my honest feelings or thoughts because I can’t control the response. I can be exceedingly honest in fiction and claim my fantasies behind the face of my characters. I cannot always do that in just an honest post. When asked, I’ll say I don’t know what I want.
I’m facing my fear. I’m going to make (or am being encouraged make) myself write more non-fiction. This is about being vulnerable in a different way. I will understand myself or will try to, and you will be party to that learning.
There’s my goal of trying publishing again. It’s a goal I come to and abandon regularly. I have a story or two that are raw pieces that I’ve never put out or only revealed in small parts. I’m hoping to keep trying to put more of my work in front of people.
4. I’m Nervous
I’ve been complimented on my writing a lot this weekend. It’s hard to hear though not as much as it was a year ago. I’m nervous about continuing or living up to that.
Reading was a stretch. I’m glad it went well. I’m nervous about putting things out people like and want to read. I’m nervous or worried about becoming or being someone prolific.
Can I perform?
Am I a writer worth continually reading?
Can I grow?
I’m nervous/worried the answer is no.
5. I’m Energized.
I want to do more in the community. I don’t know what that means, but I want to do more. I’m not the people in the front, the Molly or the Hy or the Kayla or the Emmeline, but I can be an advocate in this community like I am in my job.
I’m hoping to find my place in the community and help lift others up who need that boost. I’m encouraged, motivated, and energized with the idea of helping the community grow in a way that’s unique for me.
–
Eroticon was perfect. Not because it was perfect, but because it did its purpose. It made me think, it brought me closer to people I’ve known forever, and it made me smile.
I learned what I needed to learn for this point in my blogging life. Even though I’ve blogged for 14 years in some form, I’m still trying to sort myself out.
Hopefully, I’ll have things to share worth reading and you’ll come along with me.
