Just give me this one personal moment and I’ll get back to business as usual.
Someone very close to me is having surgery this morning. I’m knowledgable of the risks and know the surgeon is capable, but I’m letting worst case scenarios spin through my mind.
First, I’ll admit some of my worry stems from total selfishness. The outcome of this surgery could have a major effect on me if it goes poorly. I feel like an ass for making it even a little about me, but I’m human. There are moves I’m about to make and it won’t happen if this doesn’t go well. I’m already dealing with a lot of continued resistance, I don’t need anything else.
The other part, the biggest part, is losing this person if things go wrong.
The bad part about knowing what I know makes waiting hard. My knowledge can sometimes make me more afraid because I know every single possibility. And the loss would alter more than just my plans. Devastated doesn’t began to cover it.
I care so deeply for the people who step into the orbit of my life. I care about their opinions of me, what happens to them, whether they feel the same way about me, and how what I do touches them. Makes it hard for me to make decisions oftentimes because I feel obligated to consider everyone’s thoughts. More than that, I’m never sure if the choices I make are my own. I’m never sure if I’m doing things for myself or because I want to please someone else. My life has felt like a series of moments where all I do is work to please someone with minimal regard to myself. Or what pleasure I do take is secret and not something I can share. Almost as though who I am isn’t enough, or that I’m not allowed to take any pleasure for myself.
So what am I trying to say?
I’m scared
I’m worried
I’m selfish
I want this to go well not only because I love this person, but because I want to take the next steps in my life. Minus added worry.
I’d make some kind of tie in to writing, blogging, or something of the like… But I’m not running on much sleep and it’ll fall flat anyway.