I’m avoiding story writing. I know that, I’m trying to face that by being honest. Part of me is scared that some of my creativity is gone after so long a break. I’m going to start small to overcome it, but for now I’m sticking to non fiction stuff. I’ll get there. I’ll get there…
My mind turns often to how the past influences who we are. I think too about how seeing other people’s experiences can also influence who we are.
I know a lot of girls grew up feeling like they weren’t attractive to anyone. Going through puberty and feeling like you weren’t what anyone was looking for can be tough. It’s not the plight of just one girl to know this experience, is it? I never had a boyfriend, and to be fair I wasn’t ever out-going enough to get anyone’s attention. I was invisible.
Once, in middle school on picture day, a guy in my home room asked me for my picture. I thought it was weird. He was into football and baseball, he was also not someone who I talked to or ever tried to talked to me. I gave him the picture and then saw him whispering in the corner with his friends. I let it go. But he asked me again and then another picture day after that. He never talked to me outside of that and I never knew what he did with them. It opened a strange hole in me. I wasn’t necessarily wanted, I was someone to occasionally be whispered about.
My sophomore year in college, I became an RA (resident advisor or someone who oversees a floor of students). I was sitting with the other RAs in the building as students were mulling around. One of the guys watched as a freshman walked by, practically leering. The moment she was out of ear shot, he goes “She’s a butterface. Everything is cute, but her face”. I cottoned on quick that he was super gross, but that phrase… has stuck in my mind for 16 1/2 years. It’s a phrase I’ve thought of myself more than once in the last 16 1/2 years.
I like to joke that if you’re trying to find the love of your life, date me first. I’m a good starter date/girlfriend. Good enough to hang out with… I’ve never had much luck with dating either. I didn’t feel people were attracted to me. Not me. I often suffered from the thing I joked about. Great for a few dates or a fuck, but nothing more. It’s how I’ve made it to 35 years old mostly single.
And here I am, single again.
It takes a lot to overcome those thoughts. It takes a lot to believe someone when they say they’re attracted to me. Are they really? To me? And to have to figure it all out again is more than I can handle at times. I can ask a man to spank my ass, but to get him to talk to me and find me interesting beyond that? I can’t get myself into that mindset again.
I spent time with a play partner of mine recently. It was good conversation and good sex and good aftercare. What I want and what I am trying to enjoy without emotions or strings. I do enjoy his company. I want that all the time, but I’ll be honest when I say I don’t want to go to the effort to find it. Partly, it’s me not wanting to date because it’s tedious. Partly because I don’t know how to get rid of the things I feel. To be honest, I don’t have to date and I don’t want to right now, but I’d love to get my whole self out of the jaded spot I’m in.
How do I feel beautiful? Not again, but at all?
Questions I hope to find the answers to this year.
