It seems that in spite of my forays into my sexual exploration, in many ways I’m still pretty repressed.
There are still certain things I’m hesitant to do because a small part of me thinks it’s still wrong to engage in those acts. I’ll not list the things I feel prudish about mostly because I can’t say I’ll never do them just that at this point in my life something stops me. Maybe I’ll never let go of that though and that’s okay too.
In other news, I’m still battling my pessimistic nature. It’s a epic battle.
I spent the night with this new gent. Suddenly staying over is easier the more I do it. It’s less of an issue because I’ve conquered the initial mindset that made it a big deal (part of my prudishness). I’m a shitty sleeper under normal circumstances, being in someone else’s bed is ten times worse. There is something to be said about waking up to a warm body beside you and being able to touch and be touched at will.
He’s good company. Just funny and playful. We have similarities when it comes to sex and life, which made spending the night really funny. I can say I did enjoy another spanking from him AND got to spend time on some very delicious morning wood. Meow.
It was also just nice to have someone to talk to and laugh with for a bit. To be able to just touch someone and satisfy my need to give out physical affection. With my mouth, my hands, my body. Meeeoooww. 😉
Except… In the light of day my thought was I have no expectation that he’ll want to get together again. This is where I’m a hardcore pessimist. Just because we did x,y, and z together doesn’t mean he wants to do that all again.
Bug chastised me when I mentioned that I was unsure that he’d want to see me again. She said I needed to change my self-talk to more a positive one. Believe that I’m interesting enough or whatever method will work.
I want to! But that shit is hard because the truth is no one sticks around. I push people away one way or the other, and everyone leaves. I don’t know how to be optimistic any more than I know how to get attached to some people.
That’s just me I suppose. It’s the reason “seek therapy” is on my (soon to be completed) 30 before 30 list.
Mm, now I’m hungry for more morning wood and there’s none available to me. Damn. Guess I’ll go shopping instead.