I wanted to just title this invisible, but I think it’s deeper than that. A few days ago, I mentioned on twitter that I often feel, and have felt, invisible. This may spiral into a ramble, but it’s been on my mind.
I’ve talked about that before, feeling unseen. Honestly, it’s this something many girls, many people, have dealt with? My feelings are real and valid, but I am not the only person to feel that way.
What I have been trying to do is to work through it.
Often times, when I say I feel invisible, I mean I don’t feel seen or valued by those people I want to be attracted to me. What even is the source of that vulnerability? That need to be seen and viewed as desirable, wanted, delightful? It’s funny because I know people are attracted to and notice me. I had a man call me beautiful as I walked by a few days ago. But trauma runs deep, doesn’t it?
Therapy is magical and no one will convince me otherwise. Okay, maybe not magical, but it is incredibly eye opening. Having someone else ask the questions, take what I feel is just ramblings about my day, and dig a little deeper into the things I’m really feeling. In this, I’m discovering the source of some of my feelings of invisibility.
My therapist does an almost family centered management of the emotions that live in us. Addressing each deeper issue and the emotions that protect them. It’s understanding whatever values trauma has allowed us to believe and changing it so it’s more aligned to who we are. Lots of exploring the mental plane and what those emotions can look like physically. Allowing them to speak so we can change them. Man, do I have issues, but I’ve learned to look and recognize how tangible those are instead of ignoring them so they can overwhelm me.
I’ll tell you a bit about how my invisibility looks internally
It’s a small child, dirty, and living in a cage. Not trapped because it feels safe in there. It’s funny how being caged in this case feels safe because it’s protecting me from everyone else. That desire to be noticed wars with the fear of what happens when I am. I’m currently addressing the desire to be noticed and my therapist gave me a task. Approach that caged part of me, reach out to it, and tell it I see it.
Lately, when I’ve had those moments where the feeling of invisibility is most intense, I do this. It comes on when I want to be tended to quite intensely so I sit, quiet my mind, and reach out to that part of me. No, I don’t quite know how to change the things that part of me believes yet, but I’m finding as I say “I see you” I feel less vulnerable. Less distressed about what I’m not receiving. I haven’t really fixed myself, but I’m seeing myself. It has had an interesting effect on me. I do feel less invisible. Yes, I still want people to want to spend time with me, value me, and want me. I just don’t feel quite so depressed if I don’t get that.
I can’t make others want me. In exploring kink, trying to find partners, and trying to have my needs met, it drives that point home hard. While I can’t get others to see me, I can change how I respond to things like rejection or being ignored. Over the last week, it’s gotten better.
It’s all about discovery, yes. Maybe my kink life is in a serious lull, but my emotional self is moving in the right direction. That’s just as important.