As usual, mind is moving fast and I need to write.
I met up with H.H and Lola for dinner tonight. They are lovely by the way. I’ve met a few fellow bloggers in the last 3.5 months and I’m glad for every experience. I tell everyone I meet that I’m terribly awkward and it’s made worse by the number of people I meet. It takes a bit for me to relax into someone’s company and that’s even with people I’ve known for a long time. I routinely wonder what people think when they meet me. Blogging only gives a sliver of a picture of who I am and I often wonder if I measure up to the expectations.
Anyway, we met, had dinner, and hung out with their cool group of friends. I came to a few conclusions…
1) I’m prone to chattering when I’m nervous
2) I have ADD and my eyes wander
3) I think I sound extremely ridiculous when I speak. Like unintelligent
4) I’m a better at written than verbal (as in I process more via written word), but that’s not saying much
5) I don’t know how to make friends and carry on small talk
6) the larger the group the quieter I get
Those are a few thoughts. The biggest of which is my wonder if I’m interesting enough to be in a long term relationship.
As I hung out with their crew, I couldn’t help noticing the cute girl beside H.H. I say a lot I’m not into girls, and I’m not, but you notice those who are attractive. I’ve only recently come to the point where I can say a woman is cute without it being a huge deal in my head. For the longest time I questioned my sexuality and what any type of attraction meant. If I was honest, I’d say I was at least a 2 on the Kinsey scale though. But I digress…
She was adorable! Loved her hair and her smile. She’s the type of girl I’d go for. Just like I like my men obviously masculine, I like women who are obviously girls. No, her hair wasn’t long, but she was so feminine to me. So sweet. Maybe it was the color of her skin or her ease I liked. I love other women of color so maybe that’s what caught my eye.
What’s my point here? The fact that I’m really complex. Aren’t we all though?
It’s never as simple as the fun sex we’re having or the fun things in our lives. It’s so much more varied than that.
I’m an awkward girl that prattles when she’s nervous, is a little uncomfortable around strangers, that prefers being inside writing or reading a book, and who has struggled with every aspect of her life. I’m like a piece of decadent layered cake. Every part makes me delicious and I wouldn’t be as yummy if one part was missing.
You want all the cake! Yummy cake. 🙂