(In)Significant Third

I’ve been open about how difficult dating has been for me in the past. For a host of reasons – where I lived, the lack of interest in me, feeling unattractive, having little experience, religious background – I was very late to dating and being in a relationship.

Poly wasn’t necessarily a label I applied to myself prior to this point, but I’ve always liked married/committed men. One of my best play partners was married to someone who wasn’t into kink, but was perfectly happy to let him seek it out. I always felt safe, the tension was amazing, boundaries were never crossed, and I enjoyed every minute of it.

To be clear, I’m not into this in a cheating sort of way because I like everyone to be aware and up front in a relationship. I just enjoyed the knowledge that they could maintain a loving relationship. They can care, be loving, be supportive, and understand the needs of their spouse in a long term way. That is attractive to me in every way especially as I’ve gone through periods where I’ve not been sure I’ve wanted to get married myself.

I like being in a relationship, but I also like that I’m not the core of the relationship.

It doesn’t mean I’m less active. I spend time, I visit, I get to engage, love and be loved. There’s D/s that is maintained no matter where I am. But I also get to be solo. I’m not single, but I’m still super independent. I consider my partner’s feelings when I make decisions, but large aspects of my life are mine to decide. I get an awesome Metamour that I can support and be supportive of. I know when I turn off Skype or leave from a visit, Michael has Molly and I can go off and do my own thing. Not necessarily with other partners, but just in general.

I like being the third. I’d make a good sister wife to be honest because I like sharing the emotional load.

There are downsides to this, of my own making. I have to remember to communicate my needs because it is very easy for me to slip into the background. My issue is I’m not the significant other, I am the third so it’s okay to be on the periphery. When things are difficult in the primary relationship, I feel I can’t say much. Again, I’m not the center, not the focus, so my feelings don’t matter as much. This isn’t necessarily true, nor communicated, but it can be how I feel.

I stuff so much down during the difficult times that it’s hard to see where I’m struggling with things until I’m crying at work over something. Or crying at the gym. Or crying to my therapist. Whoa lawd, the crying!

Liking being the third is good and bad respectably, you see. There are things I need to change to help maintain the healthy aspect of it are definitely things I need to pay attention to, but I still love being the third.

Solo poly is a term I’ve seen used. I think that fits large aspects of my life well.

Comments

  1. Molly

    “I like being the third. I’d make a good sister wife to be honest because I like sharing the emotional load.” This is all the truth right here.

    And I am continually glad for you being part of our life and that you are my friend.

    Mollyx

    1. Post
      Author
  2. Mr. V

    You seem very much at peace with yourself. You are very open and healthy with your sexuality. Good luck to you.
    You are also a very beautiful woman who thankfully is also horny as fuck.
    xo

    1. Post
      Author
    1. Post
      Author
      1. Jupiter Grant

        I feel what you say about the downside of what is otherwise a positive solo-poly relationship that allows you to be independent – the feeling of sometimes being a third wheel, or playing second fiddle to the primary partnership. I often feel that, too.

  3. Kristi

    Boy can I relate to some of this…. being a third with a married couple, I often put myself in the “I don’t matter” box. Sometimes because of the situations they find themselves in and questioning myself as to whether it’s my place to say anything even when its impacted me and sometimes by my own doing, when I question my own worth. It’s a challenge but so worth the effort.

    1. Post
      Author
    1. Post
      Author
  4. Pingback: Blogger positivity: August's shit - On Queer Street

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *