Deserving

I’ve always struggled with feeling like I don’t deserve things.

Relationships, nice things, happiness, love… I don’t know if I deserve those things. When those are things easily taken away, or have been taken away, so I must not be worthy of those things.

It makes me think about how privilege plays a role in how deserving I feel. Ingrained attitudes about my worth. Others are good at seizing on the things they deserve whether they’ve earned them or not. It’s a cause for wondering, isn’t it?

I’ve never thought I was a bad person. Even when I felt I was “close to God”, I never felt I was one of those people who got good things no matter how much I prayed. It was what it was.

I’m not sure when that began. When I lost my father, when I had a series of changes precipitated by that loss, when I lost a bit of my innocence, when I simply felt overlooked when it came to love. Other people got married, had kids, and lived happily ever after. I just didn’t.

Part of me is just used to hearing the word “no”. I can’t stay over at my friends, I can’t go to that place because it’s not safe. and so on. Other people could, but I couldn’t. It has taken a long time to convince myself that I can do and have those things.

When it comes to acknowledging my accomplishments, that’s another thing I struggle with as well. Feeling like I earned praise. It’s taken me a long time to even recognize that I’m to that point in my career where I know things and should be seen as a source of knowledge.

As for love and relationships, I’m learning that do deserve those things. I do deserve to be loved and missed. That second bit, being missed, has always confounded me. I’ve never understood why someone would miss me. What is there to miss? I’m learning and embracing the truth that I am lovable and therefore someone to be missed. It’s required me to look into myself and see that there are things that are lovable.

I am deserving.

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Comments

  1. Silverdom

    I really hope this doesn’t sound patronizing, because I have thought it through before posting, and don’t detect it in me…

    I think you’re awesome and interesting.

    PS. I came to your Eroticon session because I was pretty sure it would challenge me, and even make me feel uncomfortable. I was right. It did both, but in a good way as my processing of it continues. 🙂

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  2. Brigit Delaney

    I know how hard it can be to feel deserving. But you are awesome. I only know you as a writer, but that is enough to say, with clarity and authority…you pretty much rock. Talking to in person was also enough to prove that I’d love to know you better as a person. You’re smart, sexy, and warm.

  3. 1ManView

    Been there… I had put my life in neutral and was watching life pass me by., while everything I wanted and needed was right in front of me. I was so busy making a perfect list of what I wanted I almost missed it standing right in front of me the whole time… Deserving means- worthy of being treated in a particular way, typically of being given assistance.
    synonyms:
    worthy · meritorious · commendable · praiseworthy · laudable · excellent · fine · admirable · estimable · exemplary · creditable · respectable · decent · honorable · virtuous · righteous · upright · good · meriting · warranting · justifying · qualified for · suiting · suitable for · worthy… You were deserving the day you were created inside your mother womb….

    Have a great day
    And better tomorrows
    1Manview

  4. May More

    You are deserving! I remember one time when bad things were coming at me like all the time I got close to god too – I wanted to be do good things and then i would deserve good in return. that was my theory. But really what i think I was thinking of is Karma x

  5. Dawn D

    We are all deserving of love. Each and everyone of us.
    Glad you’re starting to recognise it!
    Because you’re an awesome writer and from what I read a dedicated worker.
    Xo

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