I circle back around to the topic of worth regularly because I seek to understand my own. It’s that time again…
1. value in money:the value of something, especially in terms of money
2. amount equaling given value: the amount of something that can be bought for a particular sum of money or that will last for a particular length of time
3. moral or social value:the goodness, usefulness, or importance of something or somebody, irrespective of financial value or wealth
The last one is the one I’m focusing on.
My life has been a series of moments where I’ve tried to understand my value as a person in the scheme of things. It’s been a struggle to look at my talents, skills, and abilities and see good enough.
I tend to compare. Am I at the level of my peers? Am I doing better than my siblings? Am I the best person I should be right now?
My self-talk tends to be vicious because I don’t feel the answer to any of my questions is ever “yes”. They say never compare, only use yourself as a gauge, but I’m such a people pleaser that it’s difficult not to use others as my meter for success. It leads to periods of serious anxiety and depression.
I’m having one of those moments right now. I feel shitty and it’s having an effect on my mood, my writing, my thoughts in general. Let me just let you in on where my head has been…
My mistake I’d mentioned? Got a little too comfortable with the last beau and engaged in a bit of unprotected sex. In my mind, this was serious and I felt it would go somewhere. For the record, I am on the pill and take it with rigid regularity. But the worry about being pregnant and the subsequent mental anguish therein has plagued me for the last month. (For the record, I’ve had numerous negative pregnancy tests, present periods, and checked out fine of diseases, but the pill and stress have my body acting weird)
I’ve got myself freaked. I know I could take care of a baby, but the thought of it (and the changes that would come on my life as a result) has been messing with my head. It’s made me ask questions about my worth and mental capacity that I hate asking.
The biggest question being, “what would people think if I popped up pregnant?” I’m 29 and single. I’m the responsible one! That view of me would shift, my view of me would shift. Could I handle that paradigm change?
Every day I have a note that comes up where I tell myself I am worthy. Of love, of compliments, of affection, of praise, of the good things in my life. Every day I ask myself if I really am worthy?
Am I? Am I?
I’m looking for my worth in the wrong things. It’s something I’ve always done. It’s something I strive to change about myself.
I am not a failure even if my mistake has unwanted results. This is any mistake I make mind you. I can handle whatever happens. I am worthy of good things.
It’s a matter of remembering all that when my head is a mess.