Bat shit crazy.
When I was younger, I had a fuzzy picture of where I’d be by this point in my life. I’d hoped married to a Christian man that thinks I’m sexy as hell with a few cute kids, a dog, and a two story house. We’d attend some great church, travel a lot, and have tolerable jobs and exciting sex. Details were interchangeable depending on the day, but I’d thought that I’d overcome the natural pessimist that lives inside me and find someone.
This has not been the case.
I can’t say I’m torn up about it now. Oh, I whined, cried, and pouted through my early 20s as I watched my friends marry and have children. Then I hit the point where I was doing things, getting degrees, and traveling. Getting married and having kids still lingered as a want, but became something I’d rather not have right now. Especially on the kids front.
This new guy, The Mr., has been fun to be with. Yes, there’s sex involved, but it’s just nice to be with him. Only fools rush in so I’m not saying this is anywhere in the same galaxy as love, but I do enjoy him.
But the thought of being pregnant right now makes me sick to my stomach.
I started on birth control pills last month because of the increase in frequency related to sex, but my body is trying to adjust so I bleed randomly (tmi) and am irrational to a dangerous degree. Started spotting (bright red blood) today and immediately kicked into doomsday preppers thinking mood because I know what bright red bleeding could mean. I rushed to a cvs and bought a pregnancy test after totally freaking myself out to the point I nearly burst into tears on the train. It was negative, but my moment of near nuclear meltdown reminded me how different things can turn out.
First, I’d flip shit if I found out I was pregnant. Kids are awesome, but not something I want in my life right now. There are places I want to see and things I want to enjoy without worrying about taking care of someone else.
Second, it reminded me how my principles have changed over the years. Am I abandoning ideals? Am I changing too much? I think too damn much!
I’m not ready to stop being selfish.
My journey… I sometimes wonder where I’ll really end up and if I’ll have learned the things I was supposed to.
Sometimes I wonder…
How does each mile play a role in the fabric of my existence? As I let go of some parts and assimilate others, will I regret what I’ve done or what I was too afraid to do? What story will I tell my kids or offer as my legacy to another?
Good questions. Unknown answers.
Comments
Interesting how our plans sometimes change and life takes us in directions we never thought.
Author
Yea. There’s good an bad parts. Recognizing the good can be tough for me sometimes.
Life never happens as planned. My Southern Baptist Grandmother prayed for me when I decided to go to college and not marry my high school boyfriend. I almost did just to make her happy.
I think you are smart to ponder your life directions and recognize that life does change. As a single woman over 40 I can relate to almost everything you have written up there. I find that if I’m with someone I like it is good to just live in the moment, although that isn’t always the easiest thing to do. xxoo
Author
You’re over 40? Lies. You look amazing!
I suck at living in the moment when my mind can’t stop thinking of what can go wrong. This being the biggest thing I fear right now.
Life…always a lot to think about for sure. Heck, sometimes just when I think I’ve got something figured out, another thing happens to throw me for a loop. Hang in there…
Author
I’m thinking I’ll never get this figured out. I’m hoping I don’t drive myself crazy.
I like you. I promise we all feel like that. We wake up some day, look around and say…”What do I want, what am I doing?” It’s the getting there, and it’s all good.
Author
Good. I’m not alone in my insanity. That’s a comfort. I think I’ll be okay even if what I fear happens. Part of the journey.
You’re smart to figure this out now. (Wish I’d been smarter, back when I was in my 20s. Or 30s!) The best thing you’re doing with all of this is that you’re being honest with yourself. You’re not hiding who you are just to make other people happy. That’s awesome, Cara. 🙂
Author
I can’t help of thinking of this stuff, but I freak myself out. It’s like I can’t function unless I’ve freaked myself out.
Pingback: What We Had | Cara Thereon