Vulnerable Moment

Just give me this one personal moment and I’ll get back to business as usual.

Someone very close to me is having surgery this morning. I’m knowledgable of the risks and know the surgeon is capable, but I’m letting worst case scenarios spin through my mind.

First, I’ll admit some of my worry stems from total selfishness. The outcome of this surgery could have a major effect on me if it goes poorly. I feel like an ass for making it even a little about me, but I’m human. There are moves I’m about to make and it won’t happen if this doesn’t go well. I’m already dealing with a lot of continued resistance, I don’t need anything else.

The other part, the biggest part, is losing this person if things go wrong.

The bad part about knowing what I know makes waiting hard. My knowledge can sometimes make me more afraid because I know every single possibility. And the loss would alter more than just my plans. Devastated doesn’t began to cover it.

I care so deeply for the people who step into the orbit of my life. I care about their opinions of me, what happens to them, whether they feel the same way about me, and how what I do touches them. Makes it hard for me to make decisions oftentimes because I feel obligated to consider everyone’s thoughts. More than that, I’m never sure if the choices I make are my own. I’m never sure if I’m doing things for myself or because I want to please someone else. My life has felt like a series of moments where all I do is work to please someone with minimal regard to myself. Or what pleasure I do take is secret and not something I can share. Almost as though who I am isn’t enough, or that I’m not allowed to take any pleasure for myself.

So what am I trying to say?

I’m scared
I’m worried
I’m selfish

I want this to go well not only because I love this person, but because I want to take the next steps in my life. Minus added worry.

I’d make some kind of tie in to writing, blogging, or something of the like… But I’m not running on much sleep and it’ll fall flat anyway.


  1. hispetitelle

    I hope it all goes well. That saying, “knowledge is power” doesn’t apply. I get the same way when my knowledge and experience get in the way. You can sometime know too much. It gets so complicated when you care deeply. Sending out healing thoughts.

  2. Spider42

    Never a great place to be in – physically or mentally – but I hope things turn out alright for you and yours.
    It may not be everyones choice of things to say, but I’m never the greatest at such things anyway, so hope this helps at all:

    “The pine stays green in winter… wisdom in hardship.” (Norman Douglas)
    I sincerely hope that things turn out well and remember that whatever road you take from hereon Ms. Thereon, so long as you retain your open mind and heart, wisdom will keep growing and only serve to make you an always evolving and better person.

  3. Hyacinth

    Big hugs to you, honey. You’ll get through today, even if it’s torture. Re: decision making, I know exactly how you feel. I’ve felt like that, too, many times. It’s confusing and demoralizing to not know your own motivations. It’s also acceptable to be selfish. If we weren’t, we wouldn’t take care of ourselves. xx Hy

  4. Nick

    You have to be a bit ‘selfish’ to survive. You are important too.
    The problem here seems that you give so much of yourself away to other people that anything you have left over for yourself is not quite enough, no reserve for the ups and downs of life. And sometimes, not always, there are situations and people that you just cannot help, you have to walk away and let them have help from elsewhere. It sounds like this does not apply to the person in hospital today, but you have to be careful not to drown in other peoples’ sorrows.
    Be very careful about the lack of sleep. That can be the biggest drain on the spirit and how useful you can be to those who deserve your care and for yourself. Many of our friends have gone down the no sleep route and discovered that everybody crashes sooner or later.
    Let us know how this works out, maybe through extra comments here if you do not want to do a post. We want to know for purely selfish reasons.. we need to know that your blog won’t be harmed.
    Seriously, I hope the day goes as well as you want it to. And get some sleep!

  5. Bel Anderson

    I do hope it went well and everything is fine. We are all selfish in some way and it would be an untruth to pretend we are not. I empathise with what you have said about pleasing people. I don’t know how old you are (and I’m not asking!) but I have found that gets somewhat easier as I get older. The people who really love you will still love you whatever you do – and if people act disappointed or judge you, it says more about them than it says about you. Try not pleasing someone – they might be surprised, but they’ll get over it. x

  6. The Reclining Gentleman

    we can’t help but think how things might affect us, we can only live life in our own heads and feel our own emotions after all. I hope today turns out ok for you and your someone close. Holding your hand xx

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